AAR: Oklahoma (Pawnee) Run 'N Gun

Two weeks ago I had the distinctly painful pleasure of running in the July 2014 Oklahoma Run 'N Gun. The official website is here: http://www.okrunngun.com/ I signed up for it after competing in the Battleroads USA Zombie Destruction Run 'N Gun back in April, having decided that it was entirely too much fun to not do that sort of thing again. While the option was given of either a 5K or 10K race, the deciding factor came down to the 10K race having a bonus stage that I wanted to try.

I should note, first and foremost, that although a Run 'N Gun is technically a competition, it's primarily going to be a learning experience for 90% of the runners. There's always some guy that has no trouble running a 10K in full kit, and that's the guy that's going to win. I'm not there to be a slacker, but I'm more concerned with learning all that it can teach me, rather than being obsessed with winning.

The Plan:

Run the 10K course, passing all the shooting stages. Here's the COF for those interested: http://www.okrunngun.com/node/6

What Actually happened:

I spent the entire previous day, and the drive down, loading up on protein, carbs, and a mix of V8 fruit juice and off-brand Gatorrade to keep me hydrated. Instead of the tac vest I ran with last time, I used a backpack, so I was able to throw extra bottles of water, ammo, and some granola bars in it. The distance portion of the race went fairly well, although I was not able to maintain the quick-march pace I'd hoped for the entire way.

Shooting-wise, I did not do very well. Similar to my trouble in Texas, I had been unable to find a long-range place to shoot and actually verify my zero (and my ability to hit what I'm shooting at), so I found out fairly early on that my rifle was shooting high by about 6 MOA. This made the long-range shots hard to estimate, as all my dope was wrong, and I ran through ammo too fast on the early stages, running completely dry of rifle ammo at the last stage. That said, my short- and mid-range shooting was fairly solid, and I posted some of the better times on stages 2 and 5.

What Went Wrong:

1. My scope wasn't zeroed. I don't know if it was because it had gotten knocked around, or if because my near-zero point calculations were off, but my scope was way, way off. At Stage 3, I shot 40 rounds, unable to see a single impact point to adjust my fire, and told the RO I was taking a DQ to avoid wasting more ammo. He then told me that I was shooting about a yard high, meaning it was off by about 6 MOA.

2. Having decided to not run in my chest rig, I had four mags for the 1911 on my belt, and one on the holster. At stage 4, being frustrated by poor shooting due to my hands shaking, I completely forgot about that fifth mag, and when I thought I had run out of pistol ammo, I was forced to DQ. About ten yards past the stage, having reloaded my mags from loose ammo, I reloaded the pistol only to remember that I'd had one more mag there. Since I only needed one more pistol hit on that stage, I could have completed it had I not forgotten it.

3. Before the race, I'd decided that six mags (180 rounds) of rifle ammo should be enough, and didn't feel like carrying another two mags (two pounds) for six miles. I then proceeded to run out of rifle ammo on the last targets of the last stage.

4. My level of fitness was insufficient, and I spent the entire race fairly winded.

5. My airsoft-tier drop-leg holster did an excellent job of pulling my ALICE belt down just far enough that it dug into my thigh muscle the whole time. This made my right leg feel like it was on fire and/or cramping for the last several miles.

What Went Right:

1. Despite the scope being off, I still shot fairly well on the mid- and short- range targets. Stage 2 was basically a 41-target mag dump, and I had no trouble using the 3-9x variable scope on my rifle to hit targets at very short ranges.

2. My kit, holster aside, worked flawlessly. The thigh rig I have for my left leg provided very easy reloads, even when prone, and barely moved at all during the run.  I'll get the same item for my right leg as well, and attach a holster to it. I think I prefer the tac vest I had last time over the war belt/backpack setup, but it did work. I'll try the chest rig next time, just for comparison. Last time I wore a pair of Mechanix gloves, but they were worn out by this trip, so I used a pair of deerskin leather work gloves. The leather gloves don't breath quite as well, but they fit a lot better, and they're definitely more durable.

3. My focus on hydration and nutrition the day before definitely paid off. While I was winded for most of the race, I was never queasy or light-headed, simply out of breath, sore, and tired. Those are PT issues, and one can never be too fit, but at least I've solved the issue of almost becoming a heat casualty.

it took

4. Despite carrying around 32 pounds of stuff, I wasn't overly tired after the race, and could probably have kept going further. I hadn't quite hit the point of physical exhaustion, and that is a good sign.

5. While I was (am) frustrated by my performance shooting, I did have a good time, and definitely learned more about my shooting abilities, and how I can improve them.

Lessons Learned:

1. Verify my zero. It's not enough to say "well, the near-zero point should be 35 yards, so we'll do that and fill out a dope card." One needs to confirm that the far-zero point is actually 300 yards. As it turned out, my rifle was zeroed for roughly 500 yards. Now, that's not a terrible thing in and of itself, but it sure as hell caused trouble when my dope had been computed for 300 yards.

2. I still need to set up a VTAC board, they are excellent training aids for learning to shoot in unusual positions.

3. My body was way more ready this time than it was in Texas, even if my cardio was not up to where it needs to be. That said, what I need to focus on isn't running 20 miles a week, but learning to shoot accurately immediately after I've been running. Accuracy-wise, I was shooting well below my normal abilities, and the only way to address that is to turn range days into biathlons. Half-mile runs in my kit between drills ought to do it, but I can only imagine the response from anyone else shooting there at the time. I get odd looks doing react-to-contact drills as it is.

4. I was able to use the sling on my rifle to steady my aim, even on the last stage, and that improved my accuracy when the best shooting positing I could get was a crouch. By that time, I was very tired, and had trouble holding my hands steady, but by putting tension on the sling, I didn't have to rely on my muscles to keep the rifle steady.

5. I again ran into trouble using a pistol that comes with 8-round mags. A 1911 is a great carry gun, but a terrible gun if you end up in a 10-kilometer running gunfight, such as the run 'n gun simulates. Capacity is king.

Other Thoughts:

1. Few things taste better than Frito Chili Pie after a race.

2. I saw people running ARs, AKs, an M1 Garand, and some cat was running with a Mosin-Nagant. This makes me happy, because it tells me that the idea of a Run 'N Gun is spreading outside the "rich guys with toy guns" market. Also, you don't need to be a high-budget guy to run fast, shoot straight, and have fun.

3. The weather, surprisingly, was around 75*. When I first signed up for a 19 July run in central OK, I feared it would be well into triple-digit temperatures.

4. Apparently, nationwide there are only three events like this. The Battleroads run, the OK run, and the Pecos run. Which means that when I finally leave KS, I'm going to have to organize one wherever I go. It's just to much fun to keep this a secret, and it's the best gear and skills test a person can ask for.

5. During the race, one of the ROs joked "I didn't know Amish were into this sort of thing!", referencing my very long hair and beard. Being an Orthodox Christian, I replied "No, but Eastern Orthodox men are!", and continued on while I laughed. He meant no harm, and I didn't take it personally. 

A Nuclear Middle Finger

I currently have a Primary Objective in life: Get a job as an aircraft mechanic in Cascadia. Followed shortly by a house. My stated backup plan for the last four years has been, if missions didn't work out, to get a house and a dog and spend my weekends in the hills.

There are two Secondary Objectives, either of which may work out (but not both together). 1. Attempt to work with MAF again, because certain MAF staffers occasionally tell me to keep trying, as they want me working with them, regardless of HQ. 2, attempt to work with OCMC, although I wouldn't be fixing airplanes with them, as they don't have any. Both of those groups will want to see that I'm settled somewhere, regularly attending church, and have managed to be healthy. So both secondary objectives mesh well with the primary objective.

Another Primary Objective is to find a wife. Because I have no memory of a time where I haven't wanted to find a nice girl and start a family. I wanted that when I was 5, and I want that now that I'm 30. Of course, one does not simply walk into Mordor and pick up a girl to match that ring, so I've taken to slowly and carefully deliberating over each and every Christian girl I meet that I'm even remotely interested in. I won't even ask a girl out for coffee if I'm not 100% sure of what I'm doing, and more importantly, WHY. The most manipulate, petty, and critical women I've ever met have been Christians, so I'm very, very careful with who I get involved with.

Getting married might delay my 18-30 month timeframe for going back into missions work, and that's fine, but I will absolutely not put that goal in jeopardy for a woman. I know this because I can point to specific women that I haven't tried to get to know simply because they weren't interested in missions. I've had four girlfriends in 17 years, I'm not a man who takes the search for a wife to mean "I'll try any girl on for size, and whoever fits, fits." No, I'm looking for something fairly specific, and it has nothing to do with body type, hair color, or how pretty she is when she smiles.

ANYONE who's known me for a few years can tell you that no matter how depressed I got, I kept slogging towards my internship. While I was at MAF, I didn't take a single day off, no matter how depressed I was, during that entire debacle. And no matter how bad my day gets, and every day starts by waking up feeling lonely and wishing I had a family, I have NEVER gone out and tried to pick up a girl to drown my sorrows in. Nor have I ever had a single drop of alcohol, a single joint, or a single cigarette.

I have yet to back down from the challenges I've faced in my adult life. I've been unemployed for long periods of time. I've gotten sick multiple times and been unable to function. I've been homeless. I haven't won all of them, far from it, but every time I get knocked down, I get right back up. And I do it without drinking myself stupid, without the comfort of a wife or girlfriend, without being surrounded people who share my objectives, and without compromising those objectives.

This post is for all the people who tell someone how they should live before they ask how they're doing.

This is for the people who got married right out of college and had several kids, but are experts on being single, celibate, and 30.

This is for the people who drink, smoke, and fuck their pain away, but are experts on being a bipolar man living a Straight Edge lifestyle.

This is for the people who gave up on their dreams, but are experts on being absolutely uncompromising.

This is for the people who have never lived alone, but are experts on being a nomad who's lived in seven cities in four years.

This is for the people who have never spent three years training for something only to have it end in disaster, and then asked for another chance to do it again.

This is for the people who've never stared down the barrel of a gun and called the person holding it "Sir", but are experts on how to be polite in a tense situation.

This is for the people who've never sold their personal possessions to pay the bills while they're overseas doing missions work, but are experts on who and isn't qualified to serve at all.

This is for people who've never dropped everything and taken multiple days off work to help a friend out, but are experts on who is and isn't loving.

This is for people who've never sacrificed their entire way of life on the altar of Faith, and yet are experts on what Faith is.

This is for all the people who know us better than we know ourselves. The armchair generals of life, the people who are better than the rest of us, and are always willing to vomit out their opinion on us whenever we make the mistake of asking them for advice. 

Enjoy.

Applied Anarchism Part 1: Take Care Of Your People.

It's the Fourth of July, and I'm living in Independence, Kansas. The folks around here would probably slice their arms open if you told them they didn't bleed red, white, and blue. It's kinda disturbing, after all they're celebrating their freedom from one type of heavily-authoritative government while they're living firmly under the boot of another type of heavily-authoritative government.

Apparently, a tyranny in which power is inherited is worse than a tyranny in which power is accumulated through lies, manipulation, and cronyism. At least that's what folks would tell you nowadays, that Monarchy is Bad, while Democracy (even though the US is supposed to be a Republic) is Good.

Left Boot, Right Boot, King's Boot, President's Boot...they're always a little too firmly planted on somebody's neck, and the neck never cares what kind of boot it is.

So what's an anarchist to do? How are we ever going to get rid of tyranny?

Actually, it's not as hard as it seems, it's just counter-intuitive.

See, what we need to realize is that tyranny is authorized by those at the top, often thousands of miles away from us, but it's implemented by those who are locally-based. The President is NEVER going to personally kick down my door. Congress will NEVER personally attempt to take my guns from me. No, they'll simply authorize (in an egregious abuse of power) a local thug to do it, and the local thug (utilizing the Nuremberg Defense of "We were just following orders") will do what he's told.

Those at the top justify their tyranny of a country based on very, very local situations, too. It wasn't a nationwide slaughter that led to the latest series of attempts at gun control, it was one kid shooting up a school. It's one city having a huge drug problem that leads to trouble for the rest of the country. Scaling down the problem, it's a bad neighborhood that causes a city to overreact and create a city-wide policy of heavy-handed policing. So that, really, is the first thing we need to fix. Bad neighborhoods, and specifically, the ones we live in now.

Think back to that idealized depiction of the 1950s that we have in America. All the lawns were mowed, all the trees were green, all the houses were well-kept, and everybody knew everybody. The kids had nothing to fear from the adults, just the bully down the street. The husbands were strong family men, the wives were the best of friends with each other, and all the kids were on the same baseball teams, and were in the same class at school.

Ever notice that the cops never really showed up in Leave It To Beaver? How they never doorkicked the neighbors because of suspected drugs, and never prosecuted Eddie Haskell for being a rascal? How the cops in Mayberry carried revolvers, sometimes unloaded?

What would it take to get that back?

Well, if we want that lifestyle back, we have to deal with the problems ourselves. Simply put, an Anarchist is a proponent of self-governance. We take care of our own problems, we don't go running to Big Brother to solve them for us. All that does is keep Big Brother fat, happy, and far too involved in our lives.

So what's a practical step to start with? For starters, we have to get off our couches and get to know our neighbors. And I don't mean "Oh, yeah, Jim and Nadine live to the north of us, while Tyler, Marla, and Robert live in the house to the south. They're nice folks."

No, I mean that we need to actually get to know them. That means spending enough time that we know Jim's entire shift liable to be laid off at the plant, and that Tyler occasionally has to work 16-hour days at his job. That we know which of the local kids is the natural leader, and which of them is the one with good grades. It means we get involved in their lives enough that we're there for them when they need help, every time.

It's not enough to want the government boot to get lighter, or cast votes in that direction. No, to really get rid of it, you have to make it unnecessary, starting with taking care of Your People. That may mean big things, like finding a neighbor a job if he gets laid off, or little things, like feeding the neighbor's kids if they were over playing anyways.

The goal is to have a neighborhood full of people that trust and take care of each other. It doesn't take long for people who are good friends to start dealing each other directly when there's a problem, instead of dealing with the cops. If Sam gets into a fight with my boy Johnny, I'll be more likely to go to Sam's dad to sort it out if we've been friends for five years. If I'm angry and have no idea who Sam's dad is, I would have to deal with the authorities instead.

Then there's a police report, and maybe charges, and what may have been a schoolyard squabble over something stupid turns into a statistic. Sam won't ever make it up to Johnny, and his dad will only know me as the guy who called the cops over a fistfight. That's a lot of bullshit that could have been avoided, when you think about it.

It's a lot like that old Mafia concept of Omerta, really, only with the emphasis placed on friendship instead of vendettas. Instead of talking to the cops, or to any other authorities, we deal with the other person directly. If they need help, we help them directly instead of getting them help. If they need a talking-to, we'll do that directly as well, instead of calling the cops.

Pretty soon, your neighborhood gets marked on the police map as a place that doesn't need patrolled. That's a hell of a good start, isn't it?

But that's just your neighborhood. You want your whole city to change.

Which means that the parents in your neighborhood are going to be well-known (but perhaps not especially well-liked) by the teachers at your kids' schools. When there's a parent-teacher conference, you're all there, and if the teacher's doing stupid shit, you're at the next school board meeting to make sure it doesn't happen again. If there's enough stupid happening, one of the parents in your neighborhood is going to be *on* the school board, with the openly-stated intent of firing people.

It means that you, AND/or the parents in your neighborhood are just as well-known at city council meetings, too. And probably less-liked, because every time the mayor does something stupid, you're there to take him to task. You're at planning & zoning meetings, you're at everything, all the time. You're a busy, busy person.

And right now you're saying "But dude, aren't we anarchists? Why the hell are we dealing with mayors? We need to get rid of the mayors, the cops, everybody with a title and a badge!"

Yeah, and in a perfect world, that would be possible, but we don't live in a perfect world. We live in a nasty world, with lots of idiots. So while we can AND SHOULD do everything we can to make the government unnecessary, like taking care of our people, we also can AND SHOULD be as involved as possible in the local (city and/or county) governments to make sure they A) don't screw up too badly, and B) stay as much out of our affairs as possible.

And here's how the ideal system works:

You're taking care of your neighbors so much that the cops haven't had to deal with anything in your neighborhood for a decade. Your local school has a reputation as a place with good teachers, because you and your buddies got all the bad ones fired. The mayor craps himself when you and yours show up at city council meetings, because you and your buddies are the ones that got the last mayor ousted instead of reelected.

(The local (city and county) governments are the ones that authorize the local PD/Sheriff to get an MRAP from the Feds, after all, and they're the ones that keep the police chief on the payroll. If you and the rest of your good neighbors raise a shitstorm on a biblical scale when the subject first comes up, it won't be a popular move for the local guys, all of whom need LOCAL support to get reelected.)

And your neighborhood watch is the one that has night-vision security cameras and interlocking fields of fire. Your neighborhood is the one that doesn't call the cops, because it's the place where drug dealers are escorted out, the very first time they show up, by a collection of concerned dads wearing plate carriers and carrying rifles. The place where there just happens to be a concerned dad getting some fresh early-morning air every time someone shows up to the "bad" house at 4 AM.

Criminals aren't stupid, they won't hang around a place where they can't hide what it is they're doing. Cops on the clock generally follow criminals, and if a cop happens to move in next door, just convert the bastard as soon as you can, and hide everything you can't trust him with until then.

And while it's true that this isn't a recipe to fix the whole country, what everybody needs to understand is that there *isn't* a recipe for that. We can vote on new guys all day long, but until we fix our neighborhoods, what changes can we actually expect? We'll fix our neighborhoods, and the guys in the next neighborhood over (who're really just neighbors of your neighbor's neighbor), will fix theirs, and when the assholes on the Federal level try to start shit, nobody in the area will want to do their dirty work.

And your local cops don't have military gear, because you and all your good neighbors shut that down at city council meetings.

Your local schools aren't using the federal curriculum, that got shut down at school board meetings. So did the grant money that came along with it, because it had strings attached.

Your mayor isn't part of Mayors Against Guns, because the last one failed to get reelected because of his membership

No, in your neighborhood, people depend on their familes, and on their neighbors, to get through hard times. When the government tries to get involved, the help is politely declined. Even the local thugs know that if they cause trouble, they'll have to deal with the consequences of it, because your neighborhood takes care of each other.

It sounds like a whole lot of hard work, but it also sounds like a much better plan than hoping that doing the same things we've always done will have a different result this time. If you want a nice neighborhood, start there. Worry about some asshole that some other assholes elected another day.

And some day, you'll look around and realize that Big Brother isn't paid any heed in your area, and nobody cares what he says when he's blathering on about something on the television. You'll realize that nobody's running to the feds just because a neighbor did something suspicious, they handled it themselves.

It ain't a perfect solution, but it's not a perfect world, and it's a much better solution than what we're doing now. I'll probably talk more about how the government actually controls folks next, understanding how that works is key to undoing it.

A Friendship Killer

I have something to confess, I recently decided to stop being friends with a guy I've known for nearly three years. He said something to me that was so insulting that I can't be his friend anymore. It was an instant friendship-killer, and honestly? It sucks. Up until that point, I thought he was a pretty good friend.

I've noticed that there are really only two types of insults. The first is the obvious ones, the ones that are based in truth. Short people are mocked for being short, ugly people for being ugly, etc. They sting, but they are at least based in reality. The insult-er may be an asshole for saying it, and maybe they're having a really bad day themselves, but at least they're not just making things up.

When an insult's not based on reality, but on personal bisases that reveal at distorted perception of the other person, it somehow hurts worse. It shows that the insult-er is not just having a bad day and mocking the other person's shortcomings, they don't know or don't care who that person really is.

I have a friend that works as a cam girl online. We've talked about it before, and we both know there's a difference between what she does and being a prostitute or a porn actress. Not that I morally agree with what she does for a living, but if I understand what it is and what it is not.

More confessions: I was a violent little shit when I was growing up. I fought with my siblings, broke a few things around the house, and probably would have gotten into a lot of fights at school if I hadn't been the small guy. That said, the last time I threw a punch in anger was ten years ago at the least. Probably more like 15. It's been a long time, and I deeply regret the person I used to be.

So what would it mean if I called her a hooker, or if she called me a violent psycho? If, when called on how bullshit that would be, we entrenched our positions instead of admitting we were just being shit friends?

Simply put, it would mean that neither of us had paid enough attention to the other person to actually get to know them. That over the past five years we've been friends, despite all the times we've talked, we've never allowed the Other to become a Person. That we've always kept our biases at the forefront, and never cared enough for the other person to allow them to become an exception to the rules.

So, back to this guy that I'm no longer friends with. He said that because I own a handgun, and have a carry permit for it, that I'm "more dangerous than any movie psycho killer". I called him on that, and despite posting statistics about CCW folks, despite the history of our friendship, and despite pointing out the utterly heinous act of judging one man by a crowd, he refused to recant his stance that I'm dangerous, scary, and violent solely because other people who carry guns are.

How much can I believe that this man cares about me? I haven't been violent in a decade, long before I bought my first gun. He's only known me three years, so he can't say that he's basing his opinions on who I was when I was growing up. I've never shot anyone, I haven't even drawn on anyone, ever.

And when it comes to matters of religion, philosophy, and laws, I'm firmly in the camp of folks who never want to have to shoot anyone, for any reason. I hate the idea of having to shoot somebody. I don't want there to EVER be blood on my hands, even if it is 100% justified before God, a judge, and a jury of my peers. I carry a weapon because there are evil people in the world, and history sadly shows that sometimes the only way to stop evil people from doing evil things is with guns.

I guess the question is: If he really thinks that I'm a danger to society, ready to snap and slaughter toddlers at any moment, despite everything he's ever seen, then can I honestly consider him to be, by any stretch of the imagination, to be a man who cares about me as a person?

My answer to that is no, I can't.

Which means we aren't friends anymore. Not even socially, if I see him anywhere I'll have to assume (because he stated it quite clearly) that he considers me to be a potential spree killer, and I'll do my best to avoid him. No matter how bullshit it is, I'm not going to hang around folks who firmly believe that's who I am.

This sucks.

I miss my friend.

Only God Knows

"I'm depressed, man. Girl isn't even the slightest bit interested."

"That sucks, who's next?"
"I don't know, this girl seemed perfect."
"Or she could spend fifteen years sleeping around until one day she comes home drunk and stabs you to death. You have no way of knowing who she'd have turned out to be."
"God only knows, I guess."

"Is that really a guess?"
"No, I guess not."

The great arrogance of Humanity is that we think we have enough control over our lives that our plans should work. Life doesn't care about our plans, though, and so we get angry and depressed when life goes the way it will and pricks that arrogance. We apply for jobs we don't get, we ask women out on dates that don't care, we do thousands and thousands of things, all of which we expect to work, and few of which actually do. All our arrogance is revealed, daily, to be nothing more than just arrogance.

Most of us don't take that very well. Which, don't get me wrong, is a totally natural thing. 

It's not exactly unexpected for people to react negatively when things go sideways, and I wouldn't call it a problem if some guy cusses when he smashes his thumb with a hammer, or for some girl to shed a few tears if her boyfriend dumps her harshly. Humans are great at building up expectations, and frankly terrible at handling the inevitable letdowns.

For me, the problems don't arise when we get depressed or angry, because those are natural reactions. No, the actual problems show up when we let our anger or depression make the next decision for us, and we do stupid things as a result. Letting out a few choice profanities in our anger is one thing, and happens before we can think, but throwing the hammer across the shop and damaging other things in a tantrum is a problem.

It's not the natural reactions, but our refusal to get back on with life after our letdowns that drags us down.

Tantrums always seem to come down to one thing: We refuse to accept that we have a place in life that is somewhere other than at the top of the pyramid. Instead of realizing that we are not in control, we scream, cry, kick our heels, and break stuff because our arrogant pride has been wounded.

If, perhaps, we don't make quite the show of it we did when we were toddlers, it certainly still happens.

The reality is that we are simply not in control of our lives. Even if we were all intelligent, rational, and pure-hearted people, and we aren't, the world is simply too big and too complicated for it to submit to our wills. It's not going to happen, ever.

The reality is that God is in control of this world. So while it's perfectly normal to be disappointed, depressed, or angry that things don't go our way, we need to realize that everything that happens has been allowed to happen. While our natural reactions to things may not be explicitly sinful, rebellious tantrums is. So is dwelling and brooding on the past, believing that we didn't deserve this or that.

"Deserve" doesn't really have anything to do with it, when you think about it. The point is that our Father knows what's best for us, and when we arrogantly dwell on what we think should or should not have happened, what we're really saying is that we know better than God. If God had listened to us, He'd have gotten that job for you, and that girl would have liked me back, and that other driver wouldn't have smashed your car, etc, etc, etc.

But what we need to accept is that we don't know what would have happened if we'd gotten our way. That "dream" girl or guy could be the next Casey Anthony or Scott Peterson, that job we prayed and prayed and prayed for could have ended in disaster when the company goes under, or relocates. If I'm really honest about myself, maybe I'd have been a terrible boyfriend to that girl, or would have been bad for that company.

God only knows, and what we need to keep in mind is that He *does* know. Not only what's best for us, but what's best for the people around us, and people we'll never meet.

It's also worth pointing out that there's absolutely nothing wrong with going straight to God in our distress and saying "I don't know what's going on, but this sucks. I know you're in control, but I'm freaking out down here." If you don't believe me, read through the Book of Psalms. David spends most of the book crying out to God in his distress, but he always circles back to being humble before God.

Life is hard, I would never state otherwise, and it will, more often than not, take us off our feet. Things simply do not go our way most of the time. There's nothing we can do to stop that, but there are things we can do to deal with it. We can remember that the world doesn't circle around us, we can remember that God is in control, and we can remember that we can take our troubles to God before we allow ourselves to do something stupid.

Faith, Existentialism, and That One School.

As an existentialist, I have spent a lot of time trying to find something to give my life meaning. A search not just for Truth, but for Truth that would actually give Purpose to my life. 2+2=4 isn't a good reason to wake up in the morning, and won't make life worth living. No, to stave off nihilism, one has to really have a purpose in life.

Part of being a Protestant, as I was, was something that can best be described as a quest for perfect doctrine. Endless Bible studies, devotionals, and classes, all with the intent of unlocking one more nugget of truth, one more bit of wisdom, until, theoretically, we'd reach a point where we had perfect doctrine.

Neverminding that bit in the Bible about the faith "delivered once and for all to the saints", there was always one more book about systematic theology to read, because the last one wasn't quite perfect. Of course, it wasn't enough to just agree with the last guy's book, because the new guy's book disagreed. I had to be my own expert in all things doctrinal, just in case whatever theologian I was reading wasn't perfect himself.

Of course, all of this only worked to a point. As one of my professors at That One School stated "Never let your doctrine get in the way of your witness." Now, to clarify, he stated this while relating a story about how despite being a staunch 5-point Calvinist (of which he boasted often), he told a women whose child had died that it was assuredly in Heaven. He went on to say that although he *actually* believed God occasionally damns newborns to hell for their sins (or maybe Adam's sin, I get confused), he didn't want to scare this woman off, so he basically lied about what he believed.

Now, this has always been interesting to me. First, it assumes that what this man believes God is really like is so heinous that to accurately represent Him would drive off unbelievers. Second, it presupposes that one's doctrine is something that can be set aside.

How much meaning can doctrine really give a man if it can simply be cast aside when it becomes awkward or inconvenient? Nihilism is a mean sonofabitch, it takes something very real to fight it off. The self-created doctrines of Man, nevermind if they're disguised as theology or simply hedonistic, are simply not enough.

There's another question, too, that I have about that: What is faith if all that you believe about God can be cast aside for convenience?

While I was Protestant, a great deal was made about how "works" were not required in any way, shape, or form in order to be saved. "Simply have faith", I was told. "Faith" was never really defined, but since it didn't require works, it basically came down to "agree with this list of things." In essence, assent to a certain doctrine and it's defined as having faith.

Doctrine, according to my professor at That One School, can simply be cast aside when it's inconvenient. I don't really know how he knows he has faith in anything if he can lie about what he believes. He's a Calvinist unless he's talking to grieving mothers, at which point he's....something else. I don't know what, actually, but if he's not willing to stand up for what he believes in front of one woman, is he willing to stand up for it in front of a firing squad?

Here's what I know: True Faith, of the kind that can truly give meaning to life, is something people hold on to even when it means being fed to lions. The Bible professor? He recanted his doctrine because he was afraid of what some woman might think. That's how much he was willing to risk, and it doesn't say much about much meaning his doctrine gave his life. If he wasn't willing to risk it, why should I?

I want the True Faith that people stared down execution squads for two millenia because of.

AAR: Battleroad USA Zombie Destruction Biathlon

The Plan:

Run Battleroad USA's Zombie Destruction Biathlon, a 4.2 mile biathlon with eight shooting stations, four rifle and four pistol.

What Actually Happened:

It was pretty straight forward, I ran the course and individual shooting stations as laid out. I finished with an adjusted time (my total time for the run of 1:28:something, minus the time I spent waiting and running individual stations) of 1:11:50, placing 36/77. I successfully completed seven of the eight shooting stations, disqualifying on the last one due to too many missed shots in a row.

What Went Wrong:

1. The primary failure for the course was dehydration-caused exhaustion. I failed to drink enough water the day before, and did not bring extra water to keep my Camelbak full, so I ran out of water about 30 minutes into the race. Due to the central-Texas location, the weather was a mild 85*F, with 75% humidity, and I very nearly became a heat injury.

2. A second major failure point was inexperience with rifle shooting from unusual positions. I did fairly well with prone and kneeling shots, but shots that require standing with the rifle braced on doorframes, canted to shoot under/through obstacles, or from a half-crouched position gave me trouble.

Stage 8. 9 hits from 9 positions in less than 3 minutes. I failed it.

3. Compounding the dehydration was poor diet the previous day, I generally don't eat full meals when I'm on the road, but the biathlon required far more calories than I had eaten. And what I *had* eaten was a sandwich, a couple bags of snack trash foods, washed down with soda and Red Bull. I'm a retard, and I admit it.

4. At one of the early stages, my safety glasses fogged up. This was totally unexpected, as they don't seal up around my eyes, nor should there have been a temperature/humidity change that should have caused that. Simple enough fix (take them off for a shot), but losing vision while shooting is a definite problem.

5. My tac vest was heavy and tight enough to prevent me from drawing full breaths on the trot, so I had to run without being able to breath properly. This was partly remedied by breathing from the belly instead of the chest, but that still doesn't allow me to run without trouble. Loosening the tac vest would have meant more bouncing/digging as I ran, which doesn't really make anything better.

6. At one of the pistol stages, foliage that partially obscured one of the targets kept throwing me off. I'd aim at the steel, but missed wider on that target, repeatedly, than any other target on the course.

7. 7-round 1911 mags on a course that required 57 pistol hits, with stages that required up to 20 hits a piece. 'Nuff said, really.

8. I had my AR mags loaded with 30 rounds, which prevented me from loading them on a closed bolt.

What Went Right:

1. For the most part, my rifle work was acceptable. I need more experience estimating ranges, but I shot acceptably well on three of the rifle stages. The first was "meh" at best due to odd positions and just having jogged 3/4 of a mile, but I was pimp-slapping steel on the other two.

2. I did far better than expected on the pistol stages. When possible, I dropped to a crouch to minimize hand tremors from the runs, and this allowed me to brace my elbow on my knee. It worked very well on the two stages I could do this on, which were 20-yard shots in a wooded area.

3. I wore a basic pair of Mechanix gloves for the whole race, and thoroughly recommend them.

4. My reloads, both pistol and rifle, were smooth if not especially fast. I didn't have any trouble getting mags from my pouches, and retention of mags was perfect. For that matter, I didn't have any problems with my kit except for the vest compressing my rib cage, which is a secondary issue. Even my boots were comfy the entire time.

5. I can bitch about my level of fitness, but by and large the average competitor was...large. I saw more fat wrapped in multicam there in one day than pretty much everywhere else combined. So frankly, I was a lean, mean killing machine compared to a lot of the people there.

6. It did a fantastic job of tying together the various disciplines involved in shooting: PT, marksmanship, terrain navigation, and gear. Hell, throw in a compass course and a requirement to sneak past an observer and it would be perfect.

7. I was only ten minutes behind the fifth-place finisher. Had I not been forced to walk to avoid becoming a heat casualty, I could easily have been near the top ten, if not the top five.

Lessons Learned:

1. I need to diversify my rifle shooting drills to include urban prone, canted-rifle, and other odd positions. Standing, kneeling, and prone just wasn't enough. I also need a steel ringer target to simplify my range trips.

2. Increased shooting distance is an absolute priority. There's just no way to practice accounting for windage or ballistic drop at 50 yards, even if I'm shooting tiny-ass targets that simulate minute-of-dude at 300 yards.

3. I do a lot of PT, but I need to do EVEN MORE PT! Ideally, I should be able to run the entire course length with full kit at a decent pace, during the hot part of the day.

4. I now have an excellent excuse to buy a 9mm pistol. Ideally with 30-round stick mags for those stages with a higher round count... :)

5. I need to take care of myself better. My day-to-day diet is pretty good, but that falls apart on a road trip, and that's unacceptable. 

6. Why aren't all my friends doing this? IT WAS AWESOME!!!