Wish List.

I wish I didn't know where God was sending me.

I wish I didn't have to hear other people beg for knowledge of where God was sending them.

I wish I didn't know how desperately I want to succeed.

I wish I didn't know exactly how little my friends matter to me compared to that.

I wish I didn't know how much worse it's going to get.

I wish I didn't have to watch other people be happy.

I wish I didn't know who God is telling me to date.

I wish I thought she cared about me.

I wish I saw her more than once every other month.

I wish I didn't know how brutally I'll push myself.

I wish I didn't know how brutally I'll push everyone else.

I wish I'll get to build my rifle one day.

I wish I felt respected for what I am.

I wish I knew how to talk honestly with people without pissing them off.

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off.

I wish I knew how to function in society.

I wish I could be nice to people.

I wish I could stay clean.

I wish I wasn't alone in every possible way.

I wish other people could see the world the way I do.

I wish no one ever had to see the world the way I do.

I wish I actually thought I'd succeed.

I wish I was who I need to be.

I wish I didn't have a list of dead people.

I wish I didn't need the list.

I wish I could just go Home.

I wish I'll get a viking funeral.

I wish that didn't seem odd for a devout Christian.

I wish I had more faith in what I believed.

I wish I didn't laugh at other people.

I wish I cared more about people in need.

I wish I wasn't just following orders.

I wish it meant something more than a job.

I wish it didn't hurt.

I wish churches didn't preach a pain-free life.

I wish churches never taught that Jesus was the way out of pain.

I wish I wasn't so scared.

I wish I was as fearless as my actions say I am.

I wish I wasn't so important.

I wish I was confident.

In My Darkest Hour

Megadeth: In My Darkest Hour
(Music by Dave Mustaine, Lyrics by Dave Mustaine/Dave Ellefson)



In my hour of need
Ha you're not there
And though I reached out for you
Wouldn't lend a hand

Through the darkest hour
Grace did not shine on me
It feels so cold, very cold
No one cares for me

Did you ever think I get lonely
Did you ever think that I needed love
Did you ever think to stop thinking
You're the only one that I'm thinking of

You'll never know how hard I tried
To find my space and satisfy you too

Things will be better when I'm dead and gone
Don't try to understand, knowing you I'm probably wrong

But oh how I lived my life for you
Still you'd turn away
Now as I die for you
My flesh still crawls as I breathe your name
All these years I thought I was wrong
Now I know it was you
Raise your head, raise your face, your eyes
Tell me who you think you are?

I walk, I walk alone
Into the promised land
There's a better place for me
But it's far, far away
Everlasting life for me
In a perfect world
But I gotta die first
Please God send me on my way

Time has a way of taking time
Loneliness is not only felt by fools
Alone I call to ease the pain
Yearning to be held by you, alone, so alone, I'm lost
Consumed by the pain
The pain, the pain, the pain

Won't you hold me again
You just laughed, ha, ha, bitch
My whole life is work built on the past
But the time has come when all things shall pass
This good thing passed away

**********************************
There's probably a lot of reasons to call this one of the best songs ever. From Megadeth's solid riffing and intricate fretwork to Mustaine's powerful vocals, it has all the usual hallmarks that makes a good metal song. But the reason I can call this my favorite song is that it speaks to me like no other song does.

See, I've spent all of my adult life, and most of my life before that, depressed. In darkness, as it were. No one cares for me more than they care for anyone else. Not that I've ever known about, anyways. So I'm fairly familiar with having darkest hours, and there's never just one. I think a lot of people have this vision of a day they'll see their friend in need, and they'll swoop in, hug them, and save their lives.

Isn't that how the story goes?

Reality doesn't always make for an inspiring story. That moment that people ride in to the rescue happens after, never before, the damage has been done. No matter what it took to wake up the rescuers, it was a betrayal to the rescued that it happened in the first place.

See, as Mustaine points out, loneliness is not only felt by fools. Most the times I'm depressed, I don't want someone to swoop in and give me a hug, I want to not feel lonely. To feel kinship with someone, that would help out more than a trusted friend or a pretty girl giving me a hug. That's not a one-time event, it's something else entirely.

There's never been a "one moment" to save me. I scoff at the thought, actually. That kid I knew in HS who killed himself, sure, someone could have "saved" him if they'd come at the right moment, but it'd have been far more effective to just be friends with him. Folks that are hurting don't need a rescue on the cliff's edge if people take the time to prevent them from wanting to jump. Every time you see someone explode, and the aftermath is shown on TV, and stunned people say "X was so quiet", well, what do you expect? People sit in their pain for a very long time before they can't take it anymore.

The time to help is before that, not after, and not during.

Now, obviously it's a suicide song. If it's odd that someone who's never attempted suicide calls this his favorite, take a note of what Mustaine's singing about: Leaving his misery on Earth and going to Heaven. Kinda odd for a secular thrash band, I think. But there it is. And that line, more than ones speaking of heartbreak, or suicide, speaks to me the most.

I walk, I walk alone, into the Promised Land.

I'm alone. I'm surrounded by people, yet I have no peers. Not that I'm arrogant enough to think I'm unequalled, it's just that I have no one around me that I feel a kinship with. I haven't identified with any of the people around me in years, and it always seems to get worse. So I walk alone, to wherever God is leading me.

So please, God, send me on my way. Make me what You need, send me where You need, and when You don't need me, take me Home. Don't leave me here for a minute longer that You absolutely must. But, Time has a way of taking time, and I understand that it won't be tomorrow. I'm not a fool for feeling lonely, it's not a defect that I'd rather have someone at my side. I'm calling You to ease the pain, and I yearn to be held by You alone. Alone I'm lost, and consumed by the pain.

Well, that's almost inspiring. Which is the other reason I like it. A slight reinterpretation of the words of one of the most down and depressing songs I know, and I feel inspired by it. Because it's honest. There're no magic words that someone can say that will make me enjoy life. I simply don't. I'd rather not be here, I've yet to find an activity that can withstand depression. And yet through all the misery that makes up my life, I've found a way to survive, and in a sense thrive, and it's entirely independent of good moods and uplifting melodies.

So to all the people that I asked for help, and didn't get any...Ha, Ha, Bitches. I'm not so sure I *need* other folks in my life. I don't like being alone, but it's better to be alone than to call for much-needed help from a friend and have it not show up. It's happened. Friendships are a good thing, but they pass away.

In our darkest hours.