There's a trio of long-stemmed red roses on the table in front of me. They're extra from some party some of my housemates went to, and those that didn't attend have free reign to give one away if we so choose. The more I think about it, the less I actually want to give one of those roses to anyone at this school.
There is a girl I'm interested in, but I'm not going to do anything romantic for Valentine's day for her. At this point in my life, I do not feel ready to be a proper boyfriend, so it doesn't really make sense to try to start a relationship.
The only thing worse than being alone would be for her to start to like me, then look a little deeper and run away. Right now, I've got some shit to work on in my life, and if I actually care about the lady I want to date, I'll sort it now so that she never has to deal with it.
I'm tired of being this guy. I'm tired of being two different people, of being awesome one day and an asshole the next. I'm tired of never being open with my friends, even if I'm honest with them. I'm tired of never trusting anyone except the people I never see.
Maybe next month, maybe when the next school year starts, but at some point I'll be able to stand in front of a lady and tell her honestly that her life with me would be vastly better than life without me. Right now, I can't do that, so I'll wait.
It's not about what she'll do for me, it's about what I can do for her. So I'm waiting until I'm at the point that I'm solid enough that dating me will make her life better. That's the best thing I can do for her.
Even if it makes for another lonely Valentine's Day.
No comments:
Post a Comment