I have something to confess, I recently decided to stop being friends with a guy I've known for nearly three years. He said something to me that was so insulting that I can't be his friend anymore. It was an instant friendship-killer, and honestly? It sucks. Up until that point, I thought he was a pretty good friend.
I've noticed that there are really only two types of insults. The first is the obvious ones, the ones that are based in truth. Short people are mocked for being short, ugly people for being ugly, etc. They sting, but they are at least based in reality. The insult-er may be an asshole for saying it, and maybe they're having a really bad day themselves, but at least they're not just making things up.
When an insult's not based on reality, but on personal bisases that reveal at distorted perception of the other person, it somehow hurts worse. It shows that the insult-er is not just having a bad day and mocking the other person's shortcomings, they don't know or don't care who that person really is.
I have a friend that works as a cam girl online. We've talked about it before, and we both know there's a difference between what she does and being a prostitute or a porn actress. Not that I morally agree with what she does for a living, but if I understand what it is and what it is not.
More confessions: I was a violent little shit when I was growing up. I fought with my siblings, broke a few things around the house, and probably would have gotten into a lot of fights at school if I hadn't been the small guy. That said, the last time I threw a punch in anger was ten years ago at the least. Probably more like 15. It's been a long time, and I deeply regret the person I used to be.
So what would it mean if I called her a hooker, or if she called me a violent psycho? If, when called on how bullshit that would be, we entrenched our positions instead of admitting we were just being shit friends?
Simply put, it would mean that neither of us had paid enough attention to the other person to actually get to know them. That over the past five years we've been friends, despite all the times we've talked, we've never allowed the Other to become a Person. That we've always kept our biases at the forefront, and never cared enough for the other person to allow them to become an exception to the rules.
So, back to this guy that I'm no longer friends with. He said that because I own a handgun, and have a carry permit for it, that I'm "more dangerous than any movie psycho killer". I called him on that, and despite posting statistics about CCW folks, despite the history of our friendship, and despite pointing out the utterly heinous act of judging one man by a crowd, he refused to recant his stance that I'm dangerous, scary, and violent solely because other people who carry guns are.
How much can I believe that this man cares about me? I haven't been violent in a decade, long before I bought my first gun. He's only known me three years, so he can't say that he's basing his opinions on who I was when I was growing up. I've never shot anyone, I haven't even drawn on anyone, ever.
And when it comes to matters of religion, philosophy, and laws, I'm firmly in the camp of folks who never want to have to shoot anyone, for any reason. I hate the idea of having to shoot somebody. I don't want there to EVER be blood on my hands, even if it is 100% justified before God, a judge, and a jury of my peers. I carry a weapon because there are evil people in the world, and history sadly shows that sometimes the only way to stop evil people from doing evil things is with guns.
I guess the question is: If he really thinks that I'm a danger to society, ready to snap and slaughter toddlers at any moment, despite everything he's ever seen, then can I honestly consider him to be, by any stretch of the imagination, to be a man who cares about me as a person?
My answer to that is no, I can't.
Which means we aren't friends anymore. Not even socially, if I see him anywhere I'll have to assume (because he stated it quite clearly) that he considers me to be a potential spree killer, and I'll do my best to avoid him. No matter how bullshit it is, I'm not going to hang around folks who firmly believe that's who I am.
This sucks.
I miss my friend.
I've noticed that there are really only two types of insults. The first is the obvious ones, the ones that are based in truth. Short people are mocked for being short, ugly people for being ugly, etc. They sting, but they are at least based in reality. The insult-er may be an asshole for saying it, and maybe they're having a really bad day themselves, but at least they're not just making things up.
When an insult's not based on reality, but on personal bisases that reveal at distorted perception of the other person, it somehow hurts worse. It shows that the insult-er is not just having a bad day and mocking the other person's shortcomings, they don't know or don't care who that person really is.
I have a friend that works as a cam girl online. We've talked about it before, and we both know there's a difference between what she does and being a prostitute or a porn actress. Not that I morally agree with what she does for a living, but if I understand what it is and what it is not.
More confessions: I was a violent little shit when I was growing up. I fought with my siblings, broke a few things around the house, and probably would have gotten into a lot of fights at school if I hadn't been the small guy. That said, the last time I threw a punch in anger was ten years ago at the least. Probably more like 15. It's been a long time, and I deeply regret the person I used to be.
So what would it mean if I called her a hooker, or if she called me a violent psycho? If, when called on how bullshit that would be, we entrenched our positions instead of admitting we were just being shit friends?
Simply put, it would mean that neither of us had paid enough attention to the other person to actually get to know them. That over the past five years we've been friends, despite all the times we've talked, we've never allowed the Other to become a Person. That we've always kept our biases at the forefront, and never cared enough for the other person to allow them to become an exception to the rules.
So, back to this guy that I'm no longer friends with. He said that because I own a handgun, and have a carry permit for it, that I'm "more dangerous than any movie psycho killer". I called him on that, and despite posting statistics about CCW folks, despite the history of our friendship, and despite pointing out the utterly heinous act of judging one man by a crowd, he refused to recant his stance that I'm dangerous, scary, and violent solely because other people who carry guns are.
How much can I believe that this man cares about me? I haven't been violent in a decade, long before I bought my first gun. He's only known me three years, so he can't say that he's basing his opinions on who I was when I was growing up. I've never shot anyone, I haven't even drawn on anyone, ever.
And when it comes to matters of religion, philosophy, and laws, I'm firmly in the camp of folks who never want to have to shoot anyone, for any reason. I hate the idea of having to shoot somebody. I don't want there to EVER be blood on my hands, even if it is 100% justified before God, a judge, and a jury of my peers. I carry a weapon because there are evil people in the world, and history sadly shows that sometimes the only way to stop evil people from doing evil things is with guns.
I guess the question is: If he really thinks that I'm a danger to society, ready to snap and slaughter toddlers at any moment, despite everything he's ever seen, then can I honestly consider him to be, by any stretch of the imagination, to be a man who cares about me as a person?
My answer to that is no, I can't.
Which means we aren't friends anymore. Not even socially, if I see him anywhere I'll have to assume (because he stated it quite clearly) that he considers me to be a potential spree killer, and I'll do my best to avoid him. No matter how bullshit it is, I'm not going to hang around folks who firmly believe that's who I am.
This sucks.
I miss my friend.
