Wish List.

I wish I didn't know where God was sending me.

I wish I didn't have to hear other people beg for knowledge of where God was sending them.

I wish I didn't know how desperately I want to succeed.

I wish I didn't know exactly how little my friends matter to me compared to that.

I wish I didn't know how much worse it's going to get.

I wish I didn't have to watch other people be happy.

I wish I didn't know who God is telling me to date.

I wish I thought she cared about me.

I wish I saw her more than once every other month.

I wish I didn't know how brutally I'll push myself.

I wish I didn't know how brutally I'll push everyone else.

I wish I'll get to build my rifle one day.

I wish I felt respected for what I am.

I wish I knew how to talk honestly with people without pissing them off.

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off.

I wish I knew how to function in society.

I wish I could be nice to people.

I wish I could stay clean.

I wish I wasn't alone in every possible way.

I wish other people could see the world the way I do.

I wish no one ever had to see the world the way I do.

I wish I actually thought I'd succeed.

I wish I was who I need to be.

I wish I didn't have a list of dead people.

I wish I didn't need the list.

I wish I could just go Home.

I wish I'll get a viking funeral.

I wish that didn't seem odd for a devout Christian.

I wish I had more faith in what I believed.

I wish I didn't laugh at other people.

I wish I cared more about people in need.

I wish I wasn't just following orders.

I wish it meant something more than a job.

I wish it didn't hurt.

I wish churches didn't preach a pain-free life.

I wish churches never taught that Jesus was the way out of pain.

I wish I wasn't so scared.

I wish I was as fearless as my actions say I am.

I wish I wasn't so important.

I wish I was confident.

In My Darkest Hour

Megadeth: In My Darkest Hour
(Music by Dave Mustaine, Lyrics by Dave Mustaine/Dave Ellefson)



In my hour of need
Ha you're not there
And though I reached out for you
Wouldn't lend a hand

Through the darkest hour
Grace did not shine on me
It feels so cold, very cold
No one cares for me

Did you ever think I get lonely
Did you ever think that I needed love
Did you ever think to stop thinking
You're the only one that I'm thinking of

You'll never know how hard I tried
To find my space and satisfy you too

Things will be better when I'm dead and gone
Don't try to understand, knowing you I'm probably wrong

But oh how I lived my life for you
Still you'd turn away
Now as I die for you
My flesh still crawls as I breathe your name
All these years I thought I was wrong
Now I know it was you
Raise your head, raise your face, your eyes
Tell me who you think you are?

I walk, I walk alone
Into the promised land
There's a better place for me
But it's far, far away
Everlasting life for me
In a perfect world
But I gotta die first
Please God send me on my way

Time has a way of taking time
Loneliness is not only felt by fools
Alone I call to ease the pain
Yearning to be held by you, alone, so alone, I'm lost
Consumed by the pain
The pain, the pain, the pain

Won't you hold me again
You just laughed, ha, ha, bitch
My whole life is work built on the past
But the time has come when all things shall pass
This good thing passed away

**********************************
There's probably a lot of reasons to call this one of the best songs ever. From Megadeth's solid riffing and intricate fretwork to Mustaine's powerful vocals, it has all the usual hallmarks that makes a good metal song. But the reason I can call this my favorite song is that it speaks to me like no other song does.

See, I've spent all of my adult life, and most of my life before that, depressed. In darkness, as it were. No one cares for me more than they care for anyone else. Not that I've ever known about, anyways. So I'm fairly familiar with having darkest hours, and there's never just one. I think a lot of people have this vision of a day they'll see their friend in need, and they'll swoop in, hug them, and save their lives.

Isn't that how the story goes?

Reality doesn't always make for an inspiring story. That moment that people ride in to the rescue happens after, never before, the damage has been done. No matter what it took to wake up the rescuers, it was a betrayal to the rescued that it happened in the first place.

See, as Mustaine points out, loneliness is not only felt by fools. Most the times I'm depressed, I don't want someone to swoop in and give me a hug, I want to not feel lonely. To feel kinship with someone, that would help out more than a trusted friend or a pretty girl giving me a hug. That's not a one-time event, it's something else entirely.

There's never been a "one moment" to save me. I scoff at the thought, actually. That kid I knew in HS who killed himself, sure, someone could have "saved" him if they'd come at the right moment, but it'd have been far more effective to just be friends with him. Folks that are hurting don't need a rescue on the cliff's edge if people take the time to prevent them from wanting to jump. Every time you see someone explode, and the aftermath is shown on TV, and stunned people say "X was so quiet", well, what do you expect? People sit in their pain for a very long time before they can't take it anymore.

The time to help is before that, not after, and not during.

Now, obviously it's a suicide song. If it's odd that someone who's never attempted suicide calls this his favorite, take a note of what Mustaine's singing about: Leaving his misery on Earth and going to Heaven. Kinda odd for a secular thrash band, I think. But there it is. And that line, more than ones speaking of heartbreak, or suicide, speaks to me the most.

I walk, I walk alone, into the Promised Land.

I'm alone. I'm surrounded by people, yet I have no peers. Not that I'm arrogant enough to think I'm unequalled, it's just that I have no one around me that I feel a kinship with. I haven't identified with any of the people around me in years, and it always seems to get worse. So I walk alone, to wherever God is leading me.

So please, God, send me on my way. Make me what You need, send me where You need, and when You don't need me, take me Home. Don't leave me here for a minute longer that You absolutely must. But, Time has a way of taking time, and I understand that it won't be tomorrow. I'm not a fool for feeling lonely, it's not a defect that I'd rather have someone at my side. I'm calling You to ease the pain, and I yearn to be held by You alone. Alone I'm lost, and consumed by the pain.

Well, that's almost inspiring. Which is the other reason I like it. A slight reinterpretation of the words of one of the most down and depressing songs I know, and I feel inspired by it. Because it's honest. There're no magic words that someone can say that will make me enjoy life. I simply don't. I'd rather not be here, I've yet to find an activity that can withstand depression. And yet through all the misery that makes up my life, I've found a way to survive, and in a sense thrive, and it's entirely independent of good moods and uplifting melodies.

So to all the people that I asked for help, and didn't get any...Ha, Ha, Bitches. I'm not so sure I *need* other folks in my life. I don't like being alone, but it's better to be alone than to call for much-needed help from a friend and have it not show up. It's happened. Friendships are a good thing, but they pass away.

In our darkest hours.

On another American Civil War. 1 of X

Occasionally I hear people gloriously talking about a second Civil War, and I shiver inside. I don't know what they think will happen, but I don't think they understand exactly how such a war will be fought. Looking at the US Military, the gov't, the US transportation network, and various wars around the world, I'll explain exactly why I think that a civil war should be avoided at all costs. I won't attempt to predict a winner, God only knows who would "win".

(For the purposes of this article, I'll be ignoring Hawaii. I don't think they'd be involved in a war between states; while they'd probably mourn the loss of tourist dollars, but it's highly unlikely that they'd launch an invasion force or suffer an invasion.)

First, it must be understood that a second American Civil War (henceforth 2ACW) will not be fought between states like the first one. It will be ideological at heart, and while certain states will largely go one way or another, the first battles will be inside cities, not between them. Since the political rhetoric in the US has shifted from "I disagree and will vote against you, my friend" to "crazy *bleep* (political orientation buzzword) are destroying the country and (another buzzword)", I'm inclined to believe that we'll largely be split along political lines. It should be noted that "split along political lines" doesn't mean two groups, it means dozens. Left-authoritarian groups won't like left-liberarian groups, and won't cooperate with them any more than they will right-authoritarian groups.

Regardless of who starts shooting first, or why, the 2ACW will start with pro- and anti-gov't forces fighting each other. Likely, this will escalate from protests to armed protests, with the trigger being a police or military intervention in a large protest that turns violent. In most countries, this sort of thing is commonplace, but America is a unique situation in that not only would it be broadcast live on all channels, but groups around the country are waiting for this with baited breath.

But that's the trigger, and while it is my fervent hope that if such a thing happens, we'll all wake up, I'm here to talk about the war.

Any rebellion starts with pro- and anti-gov't forces fighting, and by default the gov't starts with the military equipment. It is inevitable that the military would split and fight between itself, but regardless of how that ends, the militias will be fighting the military at the start. For the simple reason that at first, the military will be tasked with suppressing the rebellion, and will only start splitting and defecting as the soldiers deal with the ethics of what they're doing.

And that is where things would go from bad to Biblically bad in a hurry. Prior to WW2, an army lived on its stomach and moved on its feet. 70 years later, the US military lives on its stomach, and moves on its fuel tanks. Soldiers in the modern world do not, as a rule, use their feet to get to the battle, they drive tanks, humvees, APCs, and helicopters to the battle, then dismount and fight.

The modern US Infantry soldier's combat loadout, just the gear that's worn to fight in, weighs around 60 (1) pounds. That's comparable to what a Roman Centurion worn, by the way. He is a logistical nightmare in every way. He must be daily supplied with food, water, and ammunition, ferried to and from the battle, and unlike his Roman predecessors, he cannot be reasonably expected to march to the battle or resupply himself along the way.

Putting those two facts together, any reasonably intelligent guerrilla commander will realize that if he does not want to lose men fighting the military, the best way to simultaneously defeat the military and avoid fighting it is to starve it of fuel. Any refinery, pipeline, or tanker truck becomes a highly valuable target, and while refineries are hard targets and will be guarded by soldiers, the weakest point of the chain is the transportation.

Oil comes into the US in several locations, a couple pipelines from Canada, ports along the Gulf coast, and any number of domestic production sites. There are refineries of magnitude in multiple states, and further distribution pipelines ending in every state. The ports and refineries would be heavily guarded, and are often in fairly urban terrain, while pipelines and truck routes are only defended in spots, and necessarily go through rural terrain.

It is the pipelines that would be struck first. Any exposed portion could be blown up with a satchel charge, and the delay from the destruction of the pipeline to continuation of use can take weeks under ideal circumstances. Next, the guerrillas would strike at supply convoys. These would be guarded, but lessons learned in Iraq and Afghanistan have turned the roadside bomb from a nuisance to an art form. While the Iraqis and Afghanis did not have the domestic industrial base to make weapons, American insurgents would, and are capable.

With time, any country that sees civil unrest also sees an influx of foreign arms. Where there is conflict, and money, there is trade in weapons, and there is no reason to expect that 2ACW will be any different. As the insurgents gained access to mortars and rockets, even smaller Katyusha-style rockets, the refineries and ports would go up in flames. An infantry squad cannot stop rockets once they're in flight, and Katyusha rockets have a range of several miles.

If the focus on destruction of oil supplies seems odd, consider the US military in combat in Iraq/Afghanistan: The soldiers arrive in-country in airplanes. They, and their equipment, are then either flown or driven to whatever base they are deployed to, and from there are driven or flown to the location of combat operations. On a combat mission, a US Infantry Soldier will only carries 210 rounds of 5.56 NATO ammunition, plus a day's worth of water and food. Resupply is absolutely critical, and is done by vehicle. If the enemy force requires it, armor is brought to bear and air support is called in.

If the fuel supplies were cut off, a soldier would be limited to the distance he could walk in a few days, and the amount of ammunition he could carry on his back. While this distance could obviously be increased by carrying additional weight, additional weight means slower travel, increased risk of injuries, increased water consumption, and fatigued soldiers. The ability to arrive at a destination after a day of marching means little if the soldier cannot fight upon his arrival.

Now, in the course of a war, even a just war against oppression, oil production and transportation facilites would be targeted as legitimate military targets. However, what people who promote the 2ACW don't seem to realize is that as much as the US Military depends on fuel, so does the rest of the population. And that's the really scary part.

The cornerstone of civilization is the farm. In America, that means the ubiquitous John Deere tractor. Which runs on gas. Without gasoline, the tractor does not move, which means the field is not planted, which means no food is produced. And that, in a nutshell, is the single greatest byproduct of the 2ACW: Famine. There's a reason one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is named Famine. and follows War: When people are fighting in the area, no one works a field.

Even if there are people alive, in the area, with the expertise to productively grow crops, there is no way for them to actually grow the crops without fuel for the tractors, no way to get the crops, if cultivated with animal labor, to the processor without fuel for the trucks, and no way for the processor to get the end product to the starving without fuel.

On the surface, animal labor seems like the answer, but that's a two-fold question of scale and specialization:

First, scale: An ox-and-plow system can indeed cultivate a field, but only one furrow at a time, at a pace of two or perhaps three miles of furrow per hour. Compared to a tractor plowing twenty furrows at five or more miles an hour.

Second, specialization: Crops in American are grown with a nationwide transportation network in mind, and the vast fields of wheat and corn in the Midwest, even if productive are useless to Californians and New Yorkers without a method of getting the food to them. LIkewise, the fruit grown in New England and California is useless if they cannot be transported to the people who normally eat them.

And again, while animals seem the answer, goods transported by oxcart cannot be refrigerated. Surrounded by food, people will suffer from malnutrition, and the cities will empty as starving civilians flee warring groups and search for food.

But that's just my take on it. Zombies will seem like a pleasant fantasy compared to a civil war. I haven't even started on the isolation-fueled fantasy that is "reunification".

Sources:

1: http://thedonovan.com/archives/modernwarriorload/ModernWarriorsCombatLoadReport.pdf