07 November 2010

Placing faith in proof?

The more I think on it, the more it bothers me that I heard a professor talking about "proving God's existence" (i.e. Christianity) to an atheist.

It cannot be done. Christianity requires faith. Even the little steps in the life of a Christian are done on faith, not proof. The proof is in the hindsight. Everything I know of that a Christian takes as proof is in fact something very different: It's confirmation.

Proof is a type of knowledge. No one has ever had their knowledge reckoned to them as righteousness. We use proof all the time. Proof is a great thing to have *when both sides agree on the veracity of the proof offered*.

Faith doesn't work on proof. I don't have faith that a thrown ball will land, it can be scientifically proven that it will. Faith is the opposite: It's the belief, acted upon, that the ball will not land. Even a reasonable act of faith is in effect an act of unreason.

When we act in faith, we're stating that we're going to start a process that will completely and disastrously fail without God picking up the slack. We are NOT acting on proof. Not if we're honest about the situation.

Why, then, would we attempt to prove God? If we could prove God, we'd be denying the essential nature of Christianity, namely that it requires faith.

Nevermind the outright foolishness of attempt to outscience people who have placed the entirety of their reason in science.

31 October 2010

SLACking Off.

I have now been accused of being a bad influence on other students at Moody Bible Institute, Spokane Campus. I'm not going to say that I'm a good influence on people...I just didn't want to be an influence at all. The great irony is that I knew all this was coming. My old pastor warned me in April that I would probably be expelled from Moody.

I have a class called Spiritual Life and Community, commonly referred to as SLAC. This is, word-for-word, the course description from the syllabus:

"A foundational course focusing on the nature of discipleship and an introduction to the foundational principles of the spiritual life. It will examine the nature and obligations of the spiritual life and thr principles and practices that nurture it. It will explore the relationship between grace and effort in spiritual development and introduce the student to the disciplines of spiritual life with the goal of developing *lifelong patterns and practices*. It will also explore the relationship between spiritual life and the local church."

That doesn't sound all that bad. And I don't want this to be a hit-job on the teacher, the rest of the students seem to enjoy his class. I've almost universally heard good things about it, which tells me that the problem lies with me.

My path here is probably unique. I don't mean coming from Idaho, I've met others. Single-parent kids, not alone. I'm not even the only 27-year-old, 6-foot-plus, blonde-haired guy.But I'm the only one up here, that I know of, that turned to Christianity primarily to give his life meaning in the Existential sense. I don't serve God because it's fun, I serve God because it's the only thing that makes existence worthwhile. God has worked miracles in my life, none of them served to convert me. I'm not a Christian to avoid Hell, I'm not a Christian because I want to get into heaven.

I am a Christian because it's THE answer to Nihilism. What Nietzche went mad looking for, I have. The French Existentialists were rehashing King Solomon's experiments in the book of Ecclesiastes, but refused to look at the last chapter. When faced with the absolute meaninglessness of a life without God, the only answers are to either choose to believe that there is no god, and kill oneself, or to choose to believe in God, and swear fealty.

That's a pretty important concept to me. Christianity to me isn't about me serving a God I love, although I dearly love Him. Christianity is me accepting that since God exists, I have the choice of either spitting in His face and denying Him, or obeying to the very limit of my ability, and praying for forgiveness when I screw up. Everything else comes as a result of that choice, and that choice is remade on a frequent basis. Every time I pray for guidance, every time God answers, I have to again choose to follow it. The battle is fought every time, and will never end. On the one hand I have God, on the other, nothingness.

This teacher, that thinks I'm too arrogant, doesn't know much of my life. He's worried that if I don't learn his lessons, I'll leave the faith, or the ministry. I succeed in not laughing at him. I've been there. I've seen what's down that road. I have known at times, to a moral certainty, what God has wanted me to do, and I know what life is like when I deny that.

Of course, this teacher doesn't know any of this, because he's never asked, and I've never had an opportunity to put it on one of my assignments. Instead, I have to study a list of" dynamics of spiritual formation." Spiritual formation isn't a bad thing, I suppose, if that works for people. And I'm not saying that God isn't making me into something entirely different from the person I am now, I certainly pray that He is.

But that has NEVER been the way my life has worked. God didn't give me a shot in the arm of joy-joy-happiness before I quit Flying J. I remember the decision quite clearly, and it sucked. I made that leap in absolute terror, and the only benefit at the moment was the feeling of absolute freedom. Hell, I drove up here with enough money to buy groceries and pay the first month's rent. I had no job, no savings, and no plan other than to sleep in my car if shit went sour. I was obeying God, and reveling in the terrible freedom that grants.

There are two considerations, and only two, when dealing with what God is asking of me: 1, is God saying it, and 2, will I obey?

It's not that I'm beyond this class in terms of growth, I've simply walked a path so alien that I cannot understand it. This teacher is trying to teach kids how to grow closer to God before they hit the mission field. Jesus didn't even teach his disciples to pray before He sent them out.

The aforementioned pastor doesn't have the gift of preaching. My highest spiritual gift, when last I took the test, was Service with 45%. Why are people so obsessed with finding out their "spiritual gifts"? If they'd just trust God to work them over, or use them in unforeseen ways, and would just run where God is sending them, God's not going to let them down. He sure as hell hasn't let me down, and I'm not even close to what a good missionary should be, but I'm going to obey to the extent of my abilities, and let God do all the work.

And I guess that's my point. This class is a human attempt to do divine work. Like if I just keep a journal, or figure out my precise spiritual gift, or figure out which dynamic of spiritual formation works best, then I won't have to ask God. I won't have to face up to an Almighty God that's normally pissed off at my misbehavior, I won't have to apologize and ask for forgiveness, I won't have to deal with God at all. I'll be really good at preaching, and I'll know all sorts of tricks to growing closer to God, but I'll never have to really grapple with the tough questions.

Or we could all do things my way. Throw away the textbook, go back to the Bible, and realize that the only thing in this entire world that matters in the slightest is what God is asking me. The most important thing a human can ever do in their life is ask God for direction. Why would we ever assume that a Christianized self-help book, written by a human and read by a human, can provide a more accurate direction than God himself?

I consider myself an existentialst. The great irony is that at the core, existentialism is a series of questions. It does not provide a single answer. If one starts to consider the existential questions in life, "What am I here for", "What does it all mean", etc... there is no chance of an external answer apart from God.

That's what this teacher doesn't get. It's not that I'm perfect in my walk with God, or older and more experienced with life, or more learned than the authors he quotes near-incessantly. I just have my answer, and nothing in the world can replace it. My answer is so perfect, so precisely what I need, that I have trouble comprehend something as clumsy as what this class tries to teach.

I know it's not the answer for everyone, which is why I don't try to explain it to everyone I meet. I'm not up here to share Existentialism as the new way to get closer to God. I just wish I didn't have to spend a semester learning the wrong answers so I can regurgitate them on a test, then I hope to God I forget.

I don't want to be a great spiritual author like C.S. Lewis, or a theologian like Wesley. I don't want be "like" anyone at all. I don't want to be a great anything, I don't care if my life inspires anyone, I don't care if I live or die. The only thing in my life that gives it meaning is where God is calling me, and that is the only thing I care about.

I am me. I want to be a better me. If I wanted to be someone else, I'd be a candidate for an asylum, not a flight school student. The only entity that can make me into a better me is God. Not this teacher, not a dead theologian, not a dead philosopher, and certainly not a Christfag from the internet. Just God.

I guess that makes me arrogant, and a bad influence. Haters gonna hate.

31 July 2010

Wish List.

I wish I didn't know where God was sending me.

I wish I didn't have to hear other people beg for knowledge of where God was sending them.

I wish I didn't know how desperately I want to succeed.

I wish I didn't know exactly how little my friends matter to me compared to that.

I wish I didn't know how much worse it's going to get.

I wish I didn't have to watch other people be happy.

I wish I didn't know who God is telling me to date.

I wish I thought she cared about me.

I wish I saw her more than once every other month.

I wish I didn't know how brutally I'll push myself.

I wish I didn't know how brutally I'll push everyone else.

I wish I'll get to build my rifle one day.

I wish I felt respected for what I am.

I wish I knew how to talk honestly with people without pissing them off.

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off.

I wish I knew how to function in society.

I wish I could be nice to people.

I wish I could stay clean.

I wish I wasn't alone in every possible way.

I wish other people could see the world the way I do.

I wish no one ever had to see the world the way I do.

I wish I actually thought I'd succeed.

I wish I was who I need to be.

I wish I didn't have a list of dead people.

I wish I didn't need the list.

I wish I could just go Home.

I wish I'll get a viking funeral.

I wish that didn't seem odd for a devout Christian.

I wish I had more faith in what I believed.

I wish I didn't laugh at other people.

I wish I cared more about people in need.

I wish I wasn't just following orders.

I wish it meant something more than a job.

I wish it didn't hurt.

I wish churches didn't preach a pain-free life.

I wish churches never taught that Jesus was the way out of pain.

I wish I wasn't so scared.

I wish I was as fearless as my actions say I am.

I wish I wasn't so important.

I wish I was confident.

08 July 2010

In My Darkest Hour

Megadeth: In My Darkest Hour
(Music by Dave Mustaine, Lyrics by Dave Mustaine/Dave Ellefson)



In my hour of need
Ha you're not there
And though I reached out for you
Wouldn't lend a hand

Through the darkest hour
Grace did not shine on me
It feels so cold, very cold
No one cares for me

Did you ever think I get lonely
Did you ever think that I needed love
Did you ever think to stop thinking
You're the only one that I'm thinking of

You'll never know how hard I tried
To find my space and satisfy you too

Things will be better when I'm dead and gone
Don't try to understand, knowing you I'm probably wrong

But oh how I lived my life for you
Still you'd turn away
Now as I die for you
My flesh still crawls as I breathe your name
All these years I thought I was wrong
Now I know it was you
Raise your head, raise your face, your eyes
Tell me who you think you are?

I walk, I walk alone
Into the promised land
There's a better place for me
But it's far, far away
Everlasting life for me
In a perfect world
But I gotta die first
Please God send me on my way

Time has a way of taking time
Loneliness is not only felt by fools
Alone I call to ease the pain
Yearning to be held by you, alone, so alone, I'm lost
Consumed by the pain
The pain, the pain, the pain

Won't you hold me again
You just laughed, ha, ha, bitch
My whole life is work built on the past
But the time has come when all things shall pass
This good thing passed away

**********************************
There's probably a lot of reasons to call this one of the best songs ever. From Megadeth's solid riffing and intricate fretwork to Mustaine's powerful vocals, it has all the usual hallmarks that makes a good metal song. But the reason I can call this my favorite song is that it speaks to me like no other song does.

See, I've spent all of my adult life, and most of my life before that, depressed. In darkness, as it were. No one cares for me more than they care for anyone else. Not that I've ever known about, anyways. So I'm fairly familiar with having darkest hours, and there's never just one. I think a lot of people have this vision of a day they'll see their friend in need, and they'll swoop in, hug them, and save their lives.

Isn't that how the story goes?

Reality doesn't always make for an inspiring story. That moment that people ride in to the rescue happens after, never before, the damage has been done. No matter what it took to wake up the rescuers, it was a betrayal to the rescued that it happened in the first place.

See, as Mustaine points out, loneliness is not only felt by fools. Most the times I'm depressed, I don't want someone to swoop in and give me a hug, I want to not feel lonely. To feel kinship with someone, that would help out more than a trusted friend or a pretty girl giving me a hug. That's not a one-time event, it's something else entirely.

There's never been a "one moment" to save me. I scoff at the thought, actually. That kid I knew in HS who killed himself, sure, someone could have "saved" him if they'd come at the right moment, but it'd have been far more effective to just be friends with him. Folks that are hurting don't need a rescue on the cliff's edge if people take the time to prevent them from wanting to jump. Every time you see someone explode, and the aftermath is shown on TV, and stunned people say "X was so quiet", well, what do you expect? People sit in their pain for a very long time before they can't take it anymore.

The time to help is before that, not after, and not during.

Now, obviously it's a suicide song. If it's odd that someone who's never attempted suicide calls this his favorite, take a note of what Mustaine's singing about: Leaving his misery on Earth and going to Heaven. Kinda odd for a secular thrash band, I think. But there it is. And that line, more than ones speaking of heartbreak, or suicide, speaks to me the most.

I walk, I walk alone, into the Promised Land.

I'm alone. I'm surrounded by people, yet I have no peers. Not that I'm arrogant enough to think I'm unequalled, it's just that I have no one around me that I feel a kinship with. I haven't identified with any of the people around me in years, and it always seems to get worse. So I walk alone, to wherever God is leading me.

So please, God, send me on my way. Make me what You need, send me where You need, and when You don't need me, take me Home. Don't leave me here for a minute longer that You absolutely must. But, Time has a way of taking time, and I understand that it won't be tomorrow. I'm not a fool for feeling lonely, it's not a defect that I'd rather have someone at my side. I'm calling You to ease the pain, and I yearn to be held by You alone. Alone I'm lost, and consumed by the pain.

Well, that's almost inspiring. Which is the other reason I like it. A slight reinterpretation of the words of one of the most down and depressing songs I know, and I feel inspired by it. Because it's honest. There're no magic words that someone can say that will make me enjoy life. I simply don't. I'd rather not be here, I've yet to find an activity that can withstand depression. And yet through all the misery that makes up my life, I've found a way to survive, and in a sense thrive, and it's entirely independent of good moods and uplifting melodies.

So to all the people that I asked for help, and didn't get any...Ha, Ha, Bitches. I'm not so sure I *need* other folks in my life. I don't like being alone, but it's better to be alone than to call for much-needed help from a friend and have it not show up. It's happened. Friendships are a good thing, but they pass away.

In our darkest hours.

05 June 2010

On another American Civil War. 1 of X

Occasionally I hear people gloriously talking about a second Civil War, and I shiver inside. I don't know what they think will happen, but I don't think they understand exactly how such a war will be fought. Looking at the US Military, the gov't, the US transportation network, and various wars around the world, I'll explain exactly why I think that a civil war should be avoided at all costs. I won't attempt to predict a winner, God only knows who would "win".

(For the purposes of this article, I'll be ignoring Hawaii. I don't think they'd be involved in a war between states; while they'd probably mourn the loss of tourist dollars, but it's highly unlikely that they'd launch an invasion force or suffer an invasion.)

First, it must be understood that a second American Civil War (henceforth 2ACW) will not be fought between states like the first one. It will be ideological at heart, and while certain states will largely go one way or another, the first battles will be inside cities, not between them. Since the political rhetoric in the US has shifted from "I disagree and will vote against you, my friend" to "crazy *bleep* (political orientation buzzword) are destroying the country and (another buzzword)", I'm inclined to believe that we'll largely be split along political lines. It should be noted that "split along political lines" doesn't mean two groups, it means dozens. Left-authoritarian groups won't like left-liberarian groups, and won't cooperate with them any more than they will right-authoritarian groups.

Regardless of who starts shooting first, or why, the 2ACW will start with pro- and anti-gov't forces fighting each other. Likely, this will escalate from protests to armed protests, with the trigger being a police or military intervention in a large protest that turns violent. In most countries, this sort of thing is commonplace, but America is a unique situation in that not only would it be broadcast live on all channels, but groups around the country are waiting for this with baited breath.

But that's the trigger, and while it is my fervent hope that if such a thing happens, we'll all wake up, I'm here to talk about the war.

Any rebellion starts with pro- and anti-gov't forces fighting, and by default the gov't starts with the military equipment. It is inevitable that the military would split and fight between itself, but regardless of how that ends, the militias will be fighting the military at the start. For the simple reason that at first, the military will be tasked with suppressing the rebellion, and will only start splitting and defecting as the soldiers deal with the ethics of what they're doing.

And that is where things would go from bad to Biblically bad in a hurry. Prior to WW2, an army lived on its stomach and moved on its feet. 70 years later, the US military lives on its stomach, and moves on its fuel tanks. Soldiers in the modern world do not, as a rule, use their feet to get to the battle, they drive tanks, humvees, APCs, and helicopters to the battle, then dismount and fight.

The modern US Infantry soldier's combat loadout, just the gear that's worn to fight in, weighs around 60 (1) pounds. That's comparable to what a Roman Centurion worn, by the way. He is a logistical nightmare in every way. He must be daily supplied with food, water, and ammunition, ferried to and from the battle, and unlike his Roman predecessors, he cannot be reasonably expected to march to the battle or resupply himself along the way.

Putting those two facts together, any reasonably intelligent guerrilla commander will realize that if he does not want to lose men fighting the military, the best way to simultaneously defeat the military and avoid fighting it is to starve it of fuel. Any refinery, pipeline, or tanker truck becomes a highly valuable target, and while refineries are hard targets and will be guarded by soldiers, the weakest point of the chain is the transportation.

Oil comes into the US in several locations, a couple pipelines from Canada, ports along the Gulf coast, and any number of domestic production sites. There are refineries of magnitude in multiple states, and further distribution pipelines ending in every state. The ports and refineries would be heavily guarded, and are often in fairly urban terrain, while pipelines and truck routes are only defended in spots, and necessarily go through rural terrain.

It is the pipelines that would be struck first. Any exposed portion could be blown up with a satchel charge, and the delay from the destruction of the pipeline to continuation of use can take weeks under ideal circumstances. Next, the guerrillas would strike at supply convoys. These would be guarded, but lessons learned in Iraq and Afghanistan have turned the roadside bomb from a nuisance to an art form. While the Iraqis and Afghanis did not have the domestic industrial base to make weapons, American insurgents would, and are capable.

With time, any country that sees civil unrest also sees an influx of foreign arms. Where there is conflict, and money, there is trade in weapons, and there is no reason to expect that 2ACW will be any different. As the insurgents gained access to mortars and rockets, even smaller Katyusha-style rockets, the refineries and ports would go up in flames. An infantry squad cannot stop rockets once they're in flight, and Katyusha rockets have a range of several miles.

If the focus on destruction of oil supplies seems odd, consider the US military in combat in Iraq/Afghanistan: The soldiers arrive in-country in airplanes. They, and their equipment, are then either flown or driven to whatever base they are deployed to, and from there are driven or flown to the location of combat operations. On a combat mission, a US Infantry Soldier will only carries 210 rounds of 5.56 NATO ammunition, plus a day's worth of water and food. Resupply is absolutely critical, and is done by vehicle. If the enemy force requires it, armor is brought to bear and air support is called in.

If the fuel supplies were cut off, a soldier would be limited to the distance he could walk in a few days, and the amount of ammunition he could carry on his back. While this distance could obviously be increased by carrying additional weight, additional weight means slower travel, increased risk of injuries, increased water consumption, and fatigued soldiers. The ability to arrive at a destination after a day of marching means little if the soldier cannot fight upon his arrival.

Now, in the course of a war, even a just war against oppression, oil production and transportation facilites would be targeted as legitimate military targets. However, what people who promote the 2ACW don't seem to realize is that as much as the US Military depends on fuel, so does the rest of the population. And that's the really scary part.

The cornerstone of civilization is the farm. In America, that means the ubiquitous John Deere tractor. Which runs on gas. Without gasoline, the tractor does not move, which means the field is not planted, which means no food is produced. And that, in a nutshell, is the single greatest byproduct of the 2ACW: Famine. There's a reason one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is named Famine. and follows War: When people are fighting in the area, no one works a field.

Even if there are people alive, in the area, with the expertise to productively grow crops, there is no way for them to actually grow the crops without fuel for the tractors, no way to get the crops, if cultivated with animal labor, to the processor without fuel for the trucks, and no way for the processor to get the end product to the starving without fuel.

On the surface, animal labor seems like the answer, but that's a two-fold question of scale and specialization:

First, scale: An ox-and-plow system can indeed cultivate a field, but only one furrow at a time, at a pace of two or perhaps three miles of furrow per hour. Compared to a tractor plowing twenty furrows at five or more miles an hour.

Second, specialization: Crops in American are grown with a nationwide transportation network in mind, and the vast fields of wheat and corn in the Midwest, even if productive are useless to Californians and New Yorkers without a method of getting the food to them. LIkewise, the fruit grown in New England and California is useless if they cannot be transported to the people who normally eat them.

And again, while animals seem the answer, goods transported by oxcart cannot be refrigerated. Surrounded by food, people will suffer from malnutrition, and the cities will empty as starving civilians flee warring groups and search for food.

But that's just my take on it. Zombies will seem like a pleasant fantasy compared to a civil war. I haven't even started on the isolation-fueled fantasy that is "reunification".

Sources:

1: http://thedonovan.com/archives/modernwarriorload/ModernWarriorsCombatLoadReport.pdf