SLACking Off.

I have now been accused of being a bad influence on other students at Moody Bible Institute, Spokane Campus. I'm not going to say that I'm a good influence on people...I just didn't want to be an influence at all. The great irony is that I knew all this was coming. My old pastor warned me in April that I would probably be expelled from Moody.

I have a class called Spiritual Life and Community, commonly referred to as SLAC. This is, word-for-word, the course description from the syllabus:

"A foundational course focusing on the nature of discipleship and an introduction to the foundational principles of the spiritual life. It will examine the nature and obligations of the spiritual life and thr principles and practices that nurture it. It will explore the relationship between grace and effort in spiritual development and introduce the student to the disciplines of spiritual life with the goal of developing *lifelong patterns and practices*. It will also explore the relationship between spiritual life and the local church."

That doesn't sound all that bad. And I don't want this to be a hit-job on the teacher, the rest of the students seem to enjoy his class. I've almost universally heard good things about it, which tells me that the problem lies with me.

My path here is probably unique. I don't mean coming from Idaho, I've met others. Single-parent kids, not alone. I'm not even the only 27-year-old, 6-foot-plus, blonde-haired guy.But I'm the only one up here, that I know of, that turned to Christianity primarily to give his life meaning in the Existential sense. I don't serve God because it's fun, I serve God because it's the only thing that makes existence worthwhile. God has worked miracles in my life, none of them served to convert me. I'm not a Christian to avoid Hell, I'm not a Christian because I want to get into heaven.

I am a Christian because it's THE answer to Nihilism. What Nietzche went mad looking for, I have. The French Existentialists were rehashing King Solomon's experiments in the book of Ecclesiastes, but refused to look at the last chapter. When faced with the absolute meaninglessness of a life without God, the only answers are to either choose to believe that there is no god, and kill oneself, or to choose to believe in God, and swear fealty.

That's a pretty important concept to me. Christianity to me isn't about me serving a God I love, although I dearly love Him. Christianity is me accepting that since God exists, I have the choice of either spitting in His face and denying Him, or obeying to the very limit of my ability, and praying for forgiveness when I screw up. Everything else comes as a result of that choice, and that choice is remade on a frequent basis. Every time I pray for guidance, every time God answers, I have to again choose to follow it. The battle is fought every time, and will never end. On the one hand I have God, on the other, nothingness.

This teacher, that thinks I'm too arrogant, doesn't know much of my life. He's worried that if I don't learn his lessons, I'll leave the faith, or the ministry. I succeed in not laughing at him. I've been there. I've seen what's down that road. I have known at times, to a moral certainty, what God has wanted me to do, and I know what life is like when I deny that.

Of course, this teacher doesn't know any of this, because he's never asked, and I've never had an opportunity to put it on one of my assignments. Instead, I have to study a list of" dynamics of spiritual formation." Spiritual formation isn't a bad thing, I suppose, if that works for people. And I'm not saying that God isn't making me into something entirely different from the person I am now, I certainly pray that He is.

But that has NEVER been the way my life has worked. God didn't give me a shot in the arm of joy-joy-happiness before I quit Flying J. I remember the decision quite clearly, and it sucked. I made that leap in absolute terror, and the only benefit at the moment was the feeling of absolute freedom. Hell, I drove up here with enough money to buy groceries and pay the first month's rent. I had no job, no savings, and no plan other than to sleep in my car if shit went sour. I was obeying God, and reveling in the terrible freedom that grants.

There are two considerations, and only two, when dealing with what God is asking of me: 1, is God saying it, and 2, will I obey?

It's not that I'm beyond this class in terms of growth, I've simply walked a path so alien that I cannot understand it. This teacher is trying to teach kids how to grow closer to God before they hit the mission field. Jesus didn't even teach his disciples to pray before He sent them out.

The aforementioned pastor doesn't have the gift of preaching. My highest spiritual gift, when last I took the test, was Service with 45%. Why are people so obsessed with finding out their "spiritual gifts"? If they'd just trust God to work them over, or use them in unforeseen ways, and would just run where God is sending them, God's not going to let them down. He sure as hell hasn't let me down, and I'm not even close to what a good missionary should be, but I'm going to obey to the extent of my abilities, and let God do all the work.

And I guess that's my point. This class is a human attempt to do divine work. Like if I just keep a journal, or figure out my precise spiritual gift, or figure out which dynamic of spiritual formation works best, then I won't have to ask God. I won't have to face up to an Almighty God that's normally pissed off at my misbehavior, I won't have to apologize and ask for forgiveness, I won't have to deal with God at all. I'll be really good at preaching, and I'll know all sorts of tricks to growing closer to God, but I'll never have to really grapple with the tough questions.

Or we could all do things my way. Throw away the textbook, go back to the Bible, and realize that the only thing in this entire world that matters in the slightest is what God is asking me. The most important thing a human can ever do in their life is ask God for direction. Why would we ever assume that a Christianized self-help book, written by a human and read by a human, can provide a more accurate direction than God himself?

I consider myself an existentialst. The great irony is that at the core, existentialism is a series of questions. It does not provide a single answer. If one starts to consider the existential questions in life, "What am I here for", "What does it all mean", etc... there is no chance of an external answer apart from God.

That's what this teacher doesn't get. It's not that I'm perfect in my walk with God, or older and more experienced with life, or more learned than the authors he quotes near-incessantly. I just have my answer, and nothing in the world can replace it. My answer is so perfect, so precisely what I need, that I have trouble comprehend something as clumsy as what this class tries to teach.

I know it's not the answer for everyone, which is why I don't try to explain it to everyone I meet. I'm not up here to share Existentialism as the new way to get closer to God. I just wish I didn't have to spend a semester learning the wrong answers so I can regurgitate them on a test, then I hope to God I forget.

I don't want to be a great spiritual author like C.S. Lewis, or a theologian like Wesley. I don't want be "like" anyone at all. I don't want to be a great anything, I don't care if my life inspires anyone, I don't care if I live or die. The only thing in my life that gives it meaning is where God is calling me, and that is the only thing I care about.

I am me. I want to be a better me. If I wanted to be someone else, I'd be a candidate for an asylum, not a flight school student. The only entity that can make me into a better me is God. Not this teacher, not a dead theologian, not a dead philosopher, and certainly not a Christfag from the internet. Just God.

I guess that makes me arrogant, and a bad influence. Haters gonna hate.