Everything Dies.

I'm pretty depressed. It seems that God has blessed most of my friends with families, and in His wisdom, has kept me single, lonely, and forced to watch my friends start new lives with their spouses. I despair of ever having a family, or a house to call my own, or friends that I won't leave behind when I leave this town for the next one.

And I couldn't be happier with my misery. Seriously.

I'm going into a career that was made famous by a guy who, along with some friends, got speared to death by the tribesmen he was hoping to preach the gospel to. I've walked past what's left of his airplane, and it's a pretty harsh reminder that flying skill aside, I'm not signing up for a safe career flying a bus through the friendly skies.

Most people, reading Paul's letters, don't stop to think about Paul as a real guy writing to real people unless they're either trying to understand the audience alone, or trying to criticize the veracity of what he says. Normally, Paul is simply the Giant Apostle, responsible for more of the New Testament than any other author.

But me, I read through Paul's letters, and see a man who was profoundly depressed for most of his career. I see a guy who knew it wasn't going to end well, who had seen both sides of vicious persecution, and simply walked the bleakness of his path with the full knowledge that the next day, it could be his ticket that came up.

Take, for example, Philippians 1:21-23. (NASB)

To Live Is Christ

21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 [a]But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know [b]which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.

You realize what he's talking about, right? He's saying that death is better than life, but that life must be lived because of the other people he can help.

Not because life is good.

Not because he's happy.

Not because he's having fun.

Not because life is "worth it" simply because.

But because the longer he lives, the more he can spread the Gospel. Because that's all that matters, and if he wasn't committed to helping other Christians grow in their faith, than life would not be worth living.

Pay close attention to verse 22.

Notice the line "I do not know which to choose"?

Ever see someone who's debating whether or not to stay alive?

Do we really think that's a happy person that just saw the morning sun and thought "Man, this planet is soooo awesome! I think I should end my life right now!"

I've made the choice to stay alive on more than one occasion, but I've never even thought about that choice on a good day. It's always the days when I look forward to a bleak future, despairing of things changing, knowing that things changing won't suddenly rewire my brain into "happiness" mode.

I heard a song by Type O Negative the other day, and it hit me how well the singer had the problem figured, but didn't get the solution. The song was "Everything Dies", off their album World Comes Down.



See, the guy's right. Everything does die. His girl's quite fit, but she'll die. The singer's now dead, too, actually.

The solution isn't immortality, and physical ailments are still only a fraction of the causes of death on this planet. The solution is not giving a fuck about our eventual demise, because the sooner it happens, the better, but the more we hold it off, the more we can do for God.

When God called me into missions, and I gave up the dreams I had been chasing, I gave up nothing that would have made me happy. Money's worthless, nor did I have a girlfriend that I had to leave, nor did I have a career-path job, nor an especially comforting home, nor a church that always built me up.

I left behind nothing that made me happy. It was a good choice, made swiftly, but never regretted. Today, there is nothing that makes me happy to be alive, and in five years, I don't think I will have found anything that will make me happy, either.

Which is great, because I have nothing to lose. If I get killed, I won't leave much behind, and that's fine with me. I suppose if this world made me happy, and not depressed, then it would make me want to stay, but it doesn't.

So tomorrow, when I get up, if God does not see fit to smash my house with a tornado, then I will do my best to live for Christ. If God sees fit to not allow my survival past this night, then I get to go Home, and will be better off for it.

It's right there in the book, for all the depressed people to see.