I'm OK.

I'm OK.

No, really, I'm OK.

I'm more melancholy than most people, but that's OK, too. I've been melancholy for as long as I can remember, I've never been the happiest baby on the planet. There are worse things.

One of things I've finally put words to is how content I am to be discontent, uncomfortable, lonely, and melancholy. At least, I define it as "contentment", but it could also be defined as "my career is worth the suck." It's my cross to bear. It's also a finite amount of minor suck, in the face of an infinite reward.

Seriously, I may not enjoy life, but I wasn't born under a contract that Life owed me 100 years of relaxation and pleasure. At least I have a cause, I meet people all the time that don't even have that. They're working a job because everyone needs a job, so why not take over their father's business, and they just drift around, taking the path of least resistance until they die.

Disliking my existence is hardly the same thing as having a Bad Day. A year ago, a combination of an existential meltdown, a severe lack of Faith, and being used by two friends resulted in a very bad day. In the past year, I've sorted through the first two, and realized that the third is their fault, not mine.

So now I'm OK. If you want someone to love life, and thorough enjoy everything, never hand them a Bible and tell them it's the Word of God. Jesus was not on this planet to make us happy and fill our lives with puppies, flowers, and Grandma's cookies. The Book says that if we love this life, we'll die, but if we hate this life, we'll live eternally. (John 12:25) Paul echoed that and said that given the choice, he'd rather be dead and in Heaven, but that he has work to do, so he'll put off dying until he gets the job done. (Phil 1:21)

So, I'm OK, but I forget that we've added to the list of sins in 2012. Being unhappy is now a sign of being sinful and not trusting God. For that matter so is being lonely. Because God totally said it was good for Adam to be alone in the Garden, right? Or that having brothers was good enough, so God created Jim, Bob, and Steve, and they got together once a week for pizza and a Bible study, right?

Nope. God created a WIFE for Adam.

I'm melancholy because I'm lonely. It's been the single constant thread throughout the past two years of being melancholy. I left Idaho, and while I kept in touch with folks, but nobody came with me to share life. Then I left Spokane, and kept in touch with people, but I was still alone. When I leave Tulsa, I'll keep in touch with people, but I will still be alone. Everywhere I go, I make good friends, people I want to keep in touch with, but I leave them all behind when I leave.

I do not like that. I want to have someone in my life that doesn't leave. Someone I don't have to leave.

Tolkien said that "not all who wander are lost." I'm not lost, God knows exactly where He's sending me. And if Home is where the Heart is, than I can't go there yet anyways. I'm OK with all of this, it's a good life, but I would rather not live it alone.

I'm OK with it, if I have to be, I have Faith enough to cover my discontent, but the best and most beautiful things in life should be shared, not seen alone.