What else would I do?

So, I've recently discovered that there's a humanitarian agency that flies Quest Kodiaks and Beechcraft King Airs in Afghanistan that needs mechanics. For some reason, and I can't really explain it, the idea of doing unpaid aircraft repair work in a war zone appeals to me, so I'm trying to get an internship there, in preparation for a career there.


Because, you know, I'm an utterly expendable 28-year-old asshole, with no wife, no kids, no job, no house, no career plans or long-term goals, not even a girlfriend. If anyone's going to get his head chopped off for mentioning Jesus, or get blown up because he's taller and has better hair than anyone else, it might as well be me.


What bothers me, though, is that people act like I'm some sort of saint, who's somehow unlocked a higher level of Christianity just because I want an adrenaline fix. I'm not, I'm just doing this thing because it comes naturally to me.


I am, I think, the logical result of a bipolar boy raised in a fatherless home, who read way, way too many books on World War II, stumbled his way through philosophy until he became a nihilist of sorts, and generally fails at everything he's ever tried. I look at my life and see such a massive train wreck of suck that at this point, I think I'm simply trying to find something even more epic to fail spectacularly at.


What else would I do?


Learn to sit behind a desk and count up other people's money, then drive home in a beige Volvo at the end of the day? Nothing in my life has ever lent itself to me being a settled-down guy, who can sit still, keep calm, and carry on. There are millions and millions of people in this world who would love to live safe, quiet, easy-mode lives, and spend all their time trying to do just that, but I've never been one of them. I tried it, but it just didn't take.


Sociologists would probably argue with me about the definitions, but there are definitely different types of people in this world. Some of us are thrill-seekers, some of us like safety. Some folks like stability, some of us like adventures and danger. Throughout history, there have always been people who sign up to do crazy things for negligible pay.


There is a type of person who signs up to explore the Louisiana Purchase, without having a single clue what exactly is hiding in that wilderness.

There is a type of person who reads a short ad in Soldier of Fortune and runs off to join the Rhodesian Light Infantry.

There is a type of person who spends decades exploring the Rocky Mountains, trying to find El Dorado.


There is a type of person who joins the French Foreign Legion just to start a new life.

There is a type of person who walks into a war zone, armed only with a camera, and takes pictures of the war.


There is a type of person who climbs mountains just to see the view from the top.

There is a type of person who asks for a dangerous job just so that the guy with the family doesn't have to do it.

There is a type of person who views their own life as so worthless that they would give it up for any good cause that comes along.


I'm one of those people.

So tell me, when it really comes down to it, why wouldn't I be off gallivanting around the world, having adventures and writing about them in some neo-Hemingway fashion? Why wouldn't I be exactly the sort of person that my life has made me? Why wouldn't I do the exact sort of thing people like me have done throughout history?

Your life, dear reader, has made you into exactly the sort of person you are, and people like you, throughout history, have done things very similar to what you do now. People who have a great concern for the sick become doctors of various sorts. People who have a great concern for social order become cops and lawyers. People who have a great concern for the well-being of the populace become political leaders. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, and so on, and so forth.


Take a look at my life and tell me: What else would I do?