Hookers, Blow, And Christianity

So, it bears mentioning that the only thing I hate worse than being depressed is making the mistake of telling someone why I'm depressed. If I ever make that mistake, one of two things will happen 95% of the time. The first outcome is if I told a non-Christian that I'm depressed, to which the near-inevitable reply is that I ought to take up a vice, such as smoking or drinking, to take the edge off of life.

I don't actually have a moral problem with smoking or drinking, they're just not for me, because of a family history. So it's pretty good advice, I just can't follow it.

If I tell a Christian, though, then I'm nearly guaranteed to get a checklist of reasons that I shouldn't be depressed, which always culminates in "God has a plan, and you should be at peace with it" or something very similar.

I hate dealing with Christians when I'm depressed. Everything problem that happens in life is apparently supposed to be greeted with a smile, every hardship with light-hearted jokes, and failure to do this is the direct result of not being content with God's Plan. Apparently, if I'm Christian enough, then I won't follow Jesus' example and ask God to change The Plan.

Let me explain a few things: Depression is like having 150 pounds of sand draped over your shoulders. It's not pain, precisely, it's just a feeling of heaviness about life, and it's hard to keep going. To borrow an old phrase, "Life is heavy, man." It's like I'm struggling not to break under the heaviness of life, and I'm weary, and the journey isn't over yet.

Nine days out of ten, I'm also pretty lonely. I always figured that I'd end up married, and maybe I will, but for now, I'm still alone in life. I have lived in three states in the last 26 months, every time I move, I have to make an entirely new list of friends, because I can't hang out with any of the old ones again. It is depressing, I wish I had just one person that would always be with me, just for consistency.

I keep meeting nice girls, and I'm pretty sure that I would make a half-decent husband, but it never seems to work out, and that's kinda depressing as well. I've wanted to be a family man for as long as I can remember, otherwise I've have probably given up.

OK, so there it is, depression and loneliness. Simple enough, I'm hardly the only man in history to feel this way. But can anyone explain why this is such a bad situation that it automatically means I'm not trusting God's plan? That depression is somehow sinful? Can anyone even pull up some Bible verses to defend that position?

I have this opinion that if I've struggled with depression for the last quarter of a century, but have never once tried to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes, than I'm doing just fine. Nor have I ever tried to commit suicide, written a suicide note, or even planned out a suicide.

And yeah, while I'm lonely, and pray daily that God will provide a wife, neither am I drowning my sorrows in a different girl every Saturday night at a dance club. I'm not out cruising Tulsa's hooker district, paying for sex, and I'm not spending my days or nights looking up porn.

So, I'm still curious, why is such a bad thing to be lonely and/or depressed? Is it causing me to wallow in sin and depravity? To blow my money on chemicals? To chase temporary highs and disposable thrills?

I've struggled with depression for twenty-five years now, and have been hospitalized once. At some point I realized that as long as I'm functional (and I think my 3.9-something GPA proves that I am), then it's simply an inconvenience. At no point has "happiness" ever been a requirement for proper conduct, and being depressed is not a predication towards being evil. Jesus wept, Paul said that he'd rather die than keep on living, and David was a fountain of depressed poetry, so why is my being depressed bad?

Likewise with my loneliness. Am I such a bad person for wanting to not be alone in life, when the Bible itself says that man wasn't meant to live alone? Am I a bad person for saying "Hmm, I want to be a husband, and a good one at that, so now, before I'm even dating anyone, I'm doing my best to have my life squared-away by the time it happens?"

I have no illusions that my depression will ever cease to bother me, but I simply do not care. I will not allow Life to keep me from doing what I feel I should do, and if I'm not grinning ear-to-ear while I'm alive, that's just too bad. Happiness was never promised to anyone in the Bible, nor in the American Dream, so I'm pretty sure it's not a requirement for this life.