One of the side benefits of having seen a lot of action movies is that I've got a wealth of one-line quotes memorized. I don't know what it is about action movies that requires the hero and/or the supporting characters to have one-liners for every situation, but it's an old tradition, and I like it.
For this quote, the heroine (a law enforcement commando-type) has just shot her way out of a drug bust gone wrong, and she's smoking a cigarette on a dock, waiting for the rest of the department to clean up the mess. Her boss sits down next to her, and after a short back-and-forth, says "You're so full of piss and vinegar that if you keep going the way you're going, you run the risk of becoming one seriously fucked-up individual."
The line has stuck with me ever since I first saw the movie. It's a good line. She's the type that responds to every challenge with an even higher level of intensity, even the ones that should be solved with smooth words and diplomacy. So while she's very good at shooting her way out of drug busts gone bad, she's slowly becoming a very, very damaged individual, and eventually she'll be dangerous to everyone around her.
That quote might as well have been delivered to me.
It's been nearly four years since God tapped me on the shoulder and directed me into missions. I still think it's a good career path for me, I've never really been one to chase satisfaction in the form of a big paycheck, but I realize now that I've been going about it the wrong way.
For this quote, the heroine (a law enforcement commando-type) has just shot her way out of a drug bust gone wrong, and she's smoking a cigarette on a dock, waiting for the rest of the department to clean up the mess. Her boss sits down next to her, and after a short back-and-forth, says "You're so full of piss and vinegar that if you keep going the way you're going, you run the risk of becoming one seriously fucked-up individual."
The line has stuck with me ever since I first saw the movie. It's a good line. She's the type that responds to every challenge with an even higher level of intensity, even the ones that should be solved with smooth words and diplomacy. So while she's very good at shooting her way out of drug busts gone bad, she's slowly becoming a very, very damaged individual, and eventually she'll be dangerous to everyone around her.
That quote might as well have been delivered to me.
It's been nearly four years since God tapped me on the shoulder and directed me into missions. I still think it's a good career path for me, I've never really been one to chase satisfaction in the form of a big paycheck, but I realize now that I've been going about it the wrong way.
When I first told my family about it, they said I'd fail to make it through school. I've never asked why they said that, it hurt too much at the time to consider their warnings rationally, so I just upped my intensity and kept going forward. My pastor said the same thing, but instead of asking why, I responded by being more intense, and running at higher speeds.
By the time I got to that school, I had a pretty massive chip on my shoulder, and I was there to conquer my major, not simply study hard. I was going to do everything really, really hard, because nobody was going to make me quit. While this had benefits (I had every single assignment done 24 hours before the due date except for a group project), it also had some predictable and bad results, and in the end I cracked and ended up in the hospital on suicide watch.
That definitely served as a wakeup call, but at the time I didn't realize all of the problem. Granted, I'll never try being unmedicated again, but what I really should have learned was to slow down and not be so intense all the time. But I didn't, and I kept charging forward towards being a missionary.
Granted, that was the right move, but it's not just about having a list of credentials, it's about having a certain personality. One has to be able to deal with any situation that comes up, and in the appropriate manner. Some situations require delicacy, some intensity, and others probably other things.
I've pretty much only had one response to any challenge that's come up in the last decade: Intensity. While this really helps when the challenge is a construction job in Haiti, it's really, really unhelpful when the challenge is waiting for several weeks to finally be assigned to a program for my internship.
I am not good at waiting, nor am I good with uncertainty, because neither of those can be dealt with by simply working harder, which is the only way I ever do anything, but being a missionary in third-world countries is going to require a LOT of waiting and dealing with a LOT of uncertainty. That isn't going to change, so I need to if I want to have a chance in this field.
Operation Chill Out is going to be tough. I have literally no idea how to chill out, it's not something I ever try to do. I can be calm, but I'm always in motion, either mentally or physically. I tend to stop only when I'm exhausted, not when I'm relaxed. I have no idea how to relax, I never really saw the point. Why would anyone want to relax when they could be getting things done?
But if I keep going the way I'm going, I'm going to end up a seriously fucked-up individual, and I realize that now. Time to make changes.
By the time I got to that school, I had a pretty massive chip on my shoulder, and I was there to conquer my major, not simply study hard. I was going to do everything really, really hard, because nobody was going to make me quit. While this had benefits (I had every single assignment done 24 hours before the due date except for a group project), it also had some predictable and bad results, and in the end I cracked and ended up in the hospital on suicide watch.
That definitely served as a wakeup call, but at the time I didn't realize all of the problem. Granted, I'll never try being unmedicated again, but what I really should have learned was to slow down and not be so intense all the time. But I didn't, and I kept charging forward towards being a missionary.
Granted, that was the right move, but it's not just about having a list of credentials, it's about having a certain personality. One has to be able to deal with any situation that comes up, and in the appropriate manner. Some situations require delicacy, some intensity, and others probably other things.
I've pretty much only had one response to any challenge that's come up in the last decade: Intensity. While this really helps when the challenge is a construction job in Haiti, it's really, really unhelpful when the challenge is waiting for several weeks to finally be assigned to a program for my internship.
I am not good at waiting, nor am I good with uncertainty, because neither of those can be dealt with by simply working harder, which is the only way I ever do anything, but being a missionary in third-world countries is going to require a LOT of waiting and dealing with a LOT of uncertainty. That isn't going to change, so I need to if I want to have a chance in this field.
Operation Chill Out is going to be tough. I have literally no idea how to chill out, it's not something I ever try to do. I can be calm, but I'm always in motion, either mentally or physically. I tend to stop only when I'm exhausted, not when I'm relaxed. I have no idea how to relax, I never really saw the point. Why would anyone want to relax when they could be getting things done?
But if I keep going the way I'm going, I'm going to end up a seriously fucked-up individual, and I realize that now. Time to make changes.
No comments:
Post a Comment