Faith, Existentialism, and That One School.

As an existentialist, I have spent a lot of time trying to find something to give my life meaning. A search not just for Truth, but for Truth that would actually give Purpose to my life. 2+2=4 isn't a good reason to wake up in the morning, and won't make life worth living. No, to stave off nihilism, one has to really have a purpose in life.

Part of being a Protestant, as I was, was something that can best be described as a quest for perfect doctrine. Endless Bible studies, devotionals, and classes, all with the intent of unlocking one more nugget of truth, one more bit of wisdom, until, theoretically, we'd reach a point where we had perfect doctrine.

Neverminding that bit in the Bible about the faith "delivered once and for all to the saints", there was always one more book about systematic theology to read, because the last one wasn't quite perfect. Of course, it wasn't enough to just agree with the last guy's book, because the new guy's book disagreed. I had to be my own expert in all things doctrinal, just in case whatever theologian I was reading wasn't perfect himself.

Of course, all of this only worked to a point. As one of my professors at That One School stated "Never let your doctrine get in the way of your witness." Now, to clarify, he stated this while relating a story about how despite being a staunch 5-point Calvinist (of which he boasted often), he told a women whose child had died that it was assuredly in Heaven. He went on to say that although he *actually* believed God occasionally damns newborns to hell for their sins (or maybe Adam's sin, I get confused), he didn't want to scare this woman off, so he basically lied about what he believed.

Now, this has always been interesting to me. First, it assumes that what this man believes God is really like is so heinous that to accurately represent Him would drive off unbelievers. Second, it presupposes that one's doctrine is something that can be set aside.

How much meaning can doctrine really give a man if it can simply be cast aside when it becomes awkward or inconvenient? Nihilism is a mean sonofabitch, it takes something very real to fight it off. The self-created doctrines of Man, nevermind if they're disguised as theology or simply hedonistic, are simply not enough.

There's another question, too, that I have about that: What is faith if all that you believe about God can be cast aside for convenience?

While I was Protestant, a great deal was made about how "works" were not required in any way, shape, or form in order to be saved. "Simply have faith", I was told. "Faith" was never really defined, but since it didn't require works, it basically came down to "agree with this list of things." In essence, assent to a certain doctrine and it's defined as having faith.

Doctrine, according to my professor at That One School, can simply be cast aside when it's inconvenient. I don't really know how he knows he has faith in anything if he can lie about what he believes. He's a Calvinist unless he's talking to grieving mothers, at which point he's....something else. I don't know what, actually, but if he's not willing to stand up for what he believes in front of one woman, is he willing to stand up for it in front of a firing squad?

Here's what I know: True Faith, of the kind that can truly give meaning to life, is something people hold on to even when it means being fed to lions. The Bible professor? He recanted his doctrine because he was afraid of what some woman might think. That's how much he was willing to risk, and it doesn't say much about much meaning his doctrine gave his life. If he wasn't willing to risk it, why should I?

I want the True Faith that people stared down execution squads for two millenia because of.