Internship things

I haven't really sat down and sorted through (in writing) all of the things I learned while I was in Africa. Part of it's been a time consideration, part of it was that it's been an ongoing process, and part of it is simply laziness.

But I need to start, because for me, writing has become a large part of the way I sort through things. Writing, for me, forces me to articulate the vague and swirling abstract concepts that a lot of philosophical thinking is done in. "Freedom is good!" is that sort of abstract concept, but it's not the abstract concept that matters, but the articulated explanation of how it can be applied to life.

Until I really get down to the brass tacks of the explanation, most of the hard work of actually processing what I've learned hasn't been done. It's easy to pay lip service to a concept, but it's really the work of explaining things that reveals flaws in the argument, and so that's what I need to do.

I suppose the most logical place to start explaining what I learned in the four months I spent with MAF (and the two I spent in Africa) is...honestly, I don't know. It's frikkin complicated.

See, I could say something like "I'm done proving myself. I've proved everything I needed to prove while I was in Africa, and now I'm going to relax and just be me."

But explaining that is something else entirely, because the devil is in the details, and exactly what I proved, and to whom, depends on who one talks to. MAF wasn't very impressed by how things went, while I had a somewhat different impression.

I mean, I only got in like three arguments in Lesotho, maybe four if one counts the near-argument on the drive to the airport. I didn't get into any arguments in Haiti, and if I didn't do well in Nampa, well, I blame the other guy, because starting a conversation with "what meds do you take?" and "How did your father die?" is fuckin' rude. I showed up for work every day (except when I was sick, of course), and obeyed to the best of my ability the directives of the program managers I had to work for.

I worked as hard as I could, every day, to get as much done as I possibly could. I didn't slow down for depression, and I didn't quit when things went several kinds of sideways. Even when MAF said I wouldn't be going to the country they had given their word I'd be going to, my first question was "OK, where else can I go?"

But when it comes to proving things to people, it's the standards people are looking for.

MAF, to be quite honest, doesn't seem to give a shit if people work hard. They want nice people, and that's all they seem to care about. They won't care if you're depressed because they canceled your internship after promising that they'd come through, the only thing they're looking for is a positive attitude. It doesn't matter if you resolve arguments and move on, they're looking for people who don't get in arguments.

To them, I proved that I was trouble.

I see it a little differently.

I see a person who's dealt with depression his entire adult life. I see a guy who spent three and a half years trying to join MAF, no matter what or who tried to discourage him, even when it was MAF itself. I see a guy who gave his second chance every microjoule of effort he could. I see a guy who only asked where else he could go when the promised result of the second chance wasn't delivered. I see a guy who was assigned to a program that was pressured to take him, a program that did not want an intern, and made the best of it.

When I look at my internship, I'm quite happy with how things went.

See, I'm not a man who values "nice" people over people who will show up for work every day, no matter what life throws at them, and do their best. Even if they're in a country they never wanted to be in, working for people who didn't want them there, on airframes they don't care to work on.

I value people who will resolve their arguments over diplomats who never get into arguments. No matter how petty the argument is, or how quickly one side gets logically ripped apart. 

I value people who will pick themselves up after getting their asses kicked and go straight back to what they believe they should be doing over people who allow a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad month to change their goals.

I value people who keep their word, never promise more than they can deliver, and don't expect any more than that from anyone over people who demand perfection and can't keep their own word.

When I judge my performance in Haiti, HQ, and Lesotho based on the values I espouse... I could have done better. I won't even start to say that everything went well, or that I did an especially good job at being a missionary. Frankly, by the end of my time in Lesotho, I knew that I had a list of things to improve before I'd be "ready" for overseas missions.

BUT!

By those same values, I didn't do a terrible job of living out the values I, umm, value. That's not particularly eloquent, but even if it's clumsily said, I proved to myself what and who I am while I was there.

I'm not perfect. Some days I'm a pretty solid bastard, actually. But at the same time, I'm proud of how far I've come from the total shitbag I was in 2003. I'm like a totally different person, and I'm proud of the change. There's a lot of things I could have become after being that guy, 

Some of those once-possible futures are probably better than this one. Not everything has gone well.

But it could have gone a hell of a lot worse, and having seen who I am when life goes south, I am well-satisfied with being this guy.

Because I know who I was, who I might have been, and who I am.

I didn't learn who I was by smoking pot and playing video games, I learned who I was in the fires of suck. I've learned who I am when everything falls apart, and I'm not ashamed to be that guy.

And honestly? If you're OK with who you are when your world goes to shit, even if you're not handling it well?

You have nothing left to prove to anyone.

I am *done* with proving myself.